McJudgerson

Sometimes I think internet dating sites are just a giant opportunity to build my own boyfriend.  I only want to see profiles of men over 6’2”, nonsmoker, is single (hey, it is an option to pick someone who is not single) live in my city, and has graduated from at least a four year accredited college.  BTW if you fit this profile and want to grab a drink or coffee, hit the bowling lanes, visit a trendy restaurant, impress me with your cooking and then watch a movie together, leave me a comment!

 I look at all of these profiles and what I mean by “I look at all of these profiles” is that I look at all of their profile pictures.   I am judging every match by his cell phone self portrait or a badly cropped photo where I try to decide if I am cuter than the girl who’s clavicle is still in the picture. 

Is that ok?  There should be some baseline attraction, but a person is so much more than their profile picture.  Do their essay’s referencing zombies or no drama lifestyle do a person justice?  Short of emailing everyone who shows up on the search page, how do you discriminate? 

In real life it seems that couples get to know each other in every dimension.  As a result, the outer package can matter less because of what we all learned in kindergarten: It is what is inside that matters. 

Is there a way to get inside on the internet? 

Boyfriend/Girlfriend Training

One of the hardest things about breaking up is seeing all of your preferential training walk away to eventually benefit someone else.  That is a sunk cost into a relationship that you will never get back and it’s the basis of the phrase “I wasted so much time on him (or her)!”

 The skill that I find myself teaching over and over again is that of apologizing.  

 Here is the structure of a good apology.

 1.       Actually say “I am sorry.”

2.       Followed by what you are sorry for “I am sorry for being late.”

3.       Do not follow up the “what” with a “but.” “I’m sorry for being late, but there was an accident.”  Putting the word “but” after anything negates any earlier statement.  

4.       Communicate your action plan!  “I am sorry for being late, I’ll call next time.”

5.       Kiss and make up. 

6.       Quickly change the subject.

7.       Do make sure to “call next time”

 

Next time we will work on gratitude statements.  As in, all you new girlfriends of my old boyfriends can learn how to give me a sincere thank-you for teaching that guy such a valuable skill.  If they come with any other valuable skills, you can thank me for that too. 

How to conduct yourself at a bar

Here are a few quick tips that I learned at middle school dances that I think translate well to the bar scene. 

1.       Do not huddle in a large group. 

I get it, you want that cute guy across the bar (who, come on, is probably a doctor) to think you are super cool and the most popular girl at the bar.  However, you need to be accessible.  Break off into a group of no larger than three.  This also increases the chances that the doctor will buy all three of you a drink; they get a free drink to dull the pain of rejection and you get a make-out partner on the dance floor. 

 

2.       Wear an outfit that you trust. 

If you have to ask your friends to keep an eye on any part of your outfit remaining in a advantageous state,  you should change.  It is guaranteed that you will have a clothing malfunction and it will not be your friends fault. 

 

3.       Keep the drink simple, yet sophisticated.

Ok, so I did not learn that in middle school (or did I…) but please, no drink with more than two ingredients.  And those two ingredients cannot be: rum and coke.    If you are not of age to be in a bar, that drink will give you away right quick.  And if you are of age and ordering that, you are signaling that you are immature and not ready for a relationship.  Or that you are only ready for a relationship that will have a lifespan of ten hours, which is not long enough to get breakfast in the morning. 

 

Any other advice? 

 

One of these does not belong with the other…

I was on a date last week, and before I recap it, I have a great takeaway to share with all of you.  Do not go on a date on YOUR BIRTHDAY!  Do not go on a date the day after YOUR BIRTHDAY!  Do not go on a date the day before YOUR BIRTHDAY.  I found myself on a date a few  years ago on what the guy claimed was his 30^th BIRTHDAY!  It was a Tuesday night or something and I felt bad that he was on a first date on HIS BIRTHDAY.  So after our one drink and appetizer, the plan morphed into a romantic walk around a sculpture garden and then out to a bar for his favorite drink.  While there he insisted we play erotic picture match ‘em.  What was I going to say?  It was HIS BIRTHDAY.   I finally put my foot down when he asked for a birthday kiss.  On my way home I realized I should have asked to see his ID. 

If you ever find yourself in the same situation, just claim it’s your birthday too. 

I only bring that up because my date last week mentioned that his birthday was the night before.  There was some reluctance to go on the date in the first place.  Mainly because he worked out of state and was only in town on the weekends.  Therefore the date had to be on a Friday night.  Here is another takeaway for you.  Do not go on a first date on a weekend evening.  When people ask me if I am free on a Friday or Saturday night for a first date, the answer is always no.  But this time, I had to say yes if I wanted to see what dating a chef was like. 

I will save you the trouble of experiencing it for yourself.  I got no cooking tips, recipes, or restaurant secrets.   I do not think he was that impressed with my job either.  When I told him what I did he rolled his eyes and said, “You’re like the seventh girl who I’ve met that does that.  Is there like, a lot of money in that?”  Um.  Was he piling on a wage discrepancy on top of a recent birthday to get me to pick up the tab on our Friday night date?  Whatever.  It worked.  I paid and left. 

 

Formula for Success

Admittedly it’s been a while since I have been on five dates with an individual.  This is the formula I have observed.

1^st date: Cocktails (or coffee)

2^nd date: Bowling (I now own my own bowling ball)

3^rd date: Brunch

4^th date: Fancier dinner, usually out, it can also be prepared at home

5^th date:  "Watch a movie" at either of your houses

After that I would say that you have yourself a boyfriend and free rein to wear nothing but yoga clothes and eat takeout while watching Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo together. 

Does anyone have any additions to the formula? 

Does anyone need a non-formulaic suggestion?

First Date Story

I had a coffee date tonight with “the propositioner.”  I was jazzed about this date.  I never would have gone on it until I caught the adventure bug.  There is a story behind every person and I needed to know his story.  Who is that person who innocently, if abruptly, asks you out for coffee.  And then the next day send you this: 

 If you're not interested in getting to know me, would you be interested in hooking up?

Normally I would have just told all my friends about the emails and not dignified him with a response.  This time I went on the date and now I am telling all of you about it. 

I expect that the people nearby have a good story to tell their friends tonight too.  My table selection was poorly done.  We were surrounded by individuals on their laptops.  I can just picture their IM conversations.  I can only hope they were kinder than I would have been in their position. 

The plan was to be bold with my questions, what were you thinking to proposition me, a total stranger?! Have you done this before?!  Does it actually work?!  Does your mother know you do this?!  I could just picture him throwing his coffee in my lap and storming out, so this date started off pretty typical.  If what followed is a classic date, I’d rather stick a teacup in my eye. 

He was good at asking me questions, so I told him a little about my job and asked what he did.  “Well, I’m an operations manager for a small company.  It’s called xxx.  Basically I pick up dog poop.  It’s weird to say that that is my job, but I really like it.  I get to drive around all day and play with dogs and shit.”  I waited to see if he would catch the irony in that statement.  Don’t think he did. 

We chatted about his sleeve of tattoos, the importance of family, his dog, my cat, a traumatic experience he went through a few years ago and how that changed him, local theatre, best horror movies (sorry I cannot remember what he recommended as the best one), and then we stumbled on THE TOPIC. 

He started it by asking, mid-date, if I would be interested in hanging out again.  Side note: Do not do that.  It just makes it weird when the date continues for another thirty minutes and both of us know (or hope) we will never see each other again.  Unless I get a dog and need some help with the doggie clean-up.  I digress.  I admitted that the only reason I was there was because of the  very forward email.  I said that I was so surprised at it and wanted to see who would send something like that. The guys face started turning pink and his eyes went blank like he was trying to remember or forget that he had sent that message.  “um, yeah.  I’m not very good at meeting people out, sooo….”   And then I caved.  I started to understand the appeal of cyber bullying.  I should have sent him a strongly worded email. Calling someone out face to face is hard and I could not do it.  I gave him an out with “does it go both ways, have you gotten this aggressive emails too?” he dodged the question a little bit and we moved on to talking about how messy his roommate is. 

I did leave feeling like maybe he had been shamed into realizing that there is a real person behind the profile and it is not nice, nor an effective pick up tool, to so boldly proposition someone.

An hour later I checked my email.  This is what I got:

 I was in the middle of vacuuming and mopping my apartment, and I had a thought. I did have a good time with you, but I think we both know that we didn't have any heavy sparks between us. But I am very attracted to you. If you feel the same way, would you be interested in trying a physical relationship. May be thought of as a friends with benefits. Help each other out. This may be a bit out of line. If not, that is perfectly fine. I just thought I'd be honest.

 

I’ve created and fed the monster.  I am so sorry to the other ladies out there on the internet.

So now I need to know, do I sent him the strongly worded email?  Or just this blog post. 

Final Summary:  Never again.

Tips for him:  Dude.  I cannot help you.

First Date Story

My first first date. 

So.  I had my first first date since hitting the swinging singles scene this week.  I told you about him.  I had low expectations.  Mainly they stemmed from his poor typing skills, his lack of face in the photos he put up online, the fact that he listed his income,  and his side occupation as a fitness model.  This guy was also heavily featured in the What not to do post.  His last message to me was this: 

I dont think it will b tok crowded on a Tuesday. We should b fine.. just make sure not to dress up too hot.. i will b in my suit but not bcos we r meeting but just bcos of my boring corporate work

 

I read it in the voice of the boss from the movie OfficeSpace.  
 

We met at a bar downtown.  I was ten minutes late (a definite don’t) but I did text ahead a warning.  I spotted him right away; it helped that it was a Tuesday night at 6:30.  The conversation was pretty easy, due to the fact that he talked.  A lot.  I heard all about his job, the fancy companies he’s worked for (as part of that boring corporate job), the cool places he’s traveled for work (real work and work as a model), his friend Sarah, his friend Katie, his friend Melissa, how he feels about Apple products (does not like them), the bad experience he had with a married woman, and so on.

While he/we were talking I nursed my one drink.  He had five.  And those drinks were rum and cokes.  We were at a tequila bar with some amazing cocktails and ps he is 37.  I’m going to go ahead and judge that. 

I realize I’m painting this as a pretty bad first date, but in all honesty, it was not too bad.  Which was likely due to managing my own expectations by keeping them very very low.   In its favor the date had no awkward silences, tasty food, an interesting companion, and it was free.  Do I want those two hours of my life back?  No.  Will I give him another two hours of my life?  No.  

Final summary:

Fitness models have beautiful bodies.  Not beautiful faces.  If they had both they would just be called a model. 

Corporate IT consultants are not always geeky.   

Was he an asshole like I thought?  No.  He grew up in India, so English is his second language and once I had that piece of the puzzle, along  with the benefit of meeting him in person, the emails came across less asshole-y.    It was a good reminder that email does not contain a person’s tone. 

My tips for him: 

Be a more active listener.  Do not reference a plethora of women in casual conversation.  Order a grown up drink.  Do not order more than two drinks.  Even if you “can’t even feel them.”  Your date will feel them. 

Good Things

There are a lot of good things about a first date.  Some people get anxious about that first date and think its awkward.  It can be, but I prefer to think of it an adventure.  That is what this blog is about.  There are no bad dates, only cool stories.  

I think the best thing about the first date is getting to say, “I have a date tonight.”  As in, “sorry I can’t work late on this project, I have a date tonight.”  Or, “Oh, your kid’s math homework sounds like a fun way to spend the night. I have a date tonight.” 

Because all of my dates lately are blind dates, it requires a little preparation.  I have to pick out an outfit that is both work appropriate and date worthy.  I hope my coworkers appreciate the extra effort I’ve put into styling myself lately.  That means no waking up late and putting wet hair in a messy bun (that’s not really a good idea right now anyway because winter is coming.  I don’t want to catch a cold).  

I also review all information I have on the person.  I do a quick review of their profile so I can remember who they are, I reread the emails we’ve exchanged, and try to think of some backup conversation starters.   You do not want to walk into a bar and call your date the wrong name.  Or even call them the wrong name in an email.  We all know there is a lot of action going on through the site, but it does not hurt to take a second and confirm that you really are emailing  Megan and not Sarah.  If I had paid attention to that the last time around, I could have avoided some trouble!  First impressions are lasting impressions. 

Another good thing about going on a first date is that it’s a fresh start.  If it goes well you can laugh about the weird things you were thinking or embarrassing things you did.  Show pictures of your cat on the first date? Check.  Only because she is really cute. 

 

 

 

But really, every date is scary until you know the person well enough to be seen without your makeup on.  Just know that both parties have to experience it and you will live through it.  Hopefully you will find yourself on your last first date.  You just won’t know it yet J

McJudgerson

I think grammar is important. I was an English major in college. While I still do not know all of the comma rules, I do know some other rules. If you break these rules, I will judge you. If that is not scary enough, I likely will not respond to your message.  Now there's a threat. 
 

I doubt that I am the only one who feels this way.

 

Here are some red flags I look for.  Pay attention if you ever plan on asking me out. 
 

The correct use of There, Their, They're. This link explains it best

 

Examples:

Hello there! Look over there! I've been there before.

Their grammar is poor. Their picture is cute.

They're late. They're going to the movies tonight.

The correct use of Your and You're.  You're is a contraction of You Are. Your is possessive.

 

Examples:

You're cute.

Your profile is interesting. What is your favorite book?

 

And finally... the correct use of LEND and BORROW. I cannot believe how many people know this rule and continue to use the words in the incorrect form.

 

Example:

Can I borrow your sweater?

Sure, I can lend you my sweater.

 

Take notes. Bookmark this post. I am serious. 

First Contact

I alluded to the delicacies of the first contact in my last post.  i.e. don’t ask someone out in your first message. 

Here are some other things not to do.  Featuring fun, real life examples.

Do not send before proofreading.

Hi. How's I new here and I liked your profile.

Example 2
I work in corporate IT as a (fancy job title) and ibhave had people that work for me on this site and so a little discretion abt my fitness life... nothing wrong with them seeing but puts an awkward twist.. iam (namewitheld).

Do not proposition someone in the first message:

I've been looking at your profile and I was wondering if you might like to get to know each other and see where that will take us? I'm ready and ultimately looking for my best friend/partner/lover. I know that doesn't happen suddenly though, most of the time anyway but I'm hoping to find someone that wants to maybe see right away if something more serious will work and possibly maybe even spending a weekend together sometime whenever your schedule allows... If you'd like to be friends first though and just see where things go from there that's cool to. send me a message back.

*wants to maybe see right away if something more serious will work?!  Call it what it is buddy.  Not gonna happen. 

Do not proposition someone in the second message:

 First message:

Hi, my name is (name withheld). I'd like to get to know you. Would you be interested in joining me for coffee sometime?

 

No response from me.

Second  message:

If you're not interested in getting to know me, would you be interested in hooking up?
*its my personal quest to find out the thought process behiend these bold statements.  This guy and I have a coffee date next week.

 

Do not ask someone how long they have been on the site.  You will get a lie, or you will wonder what is wrong with them, in case that is not already clear from their profile.

Do not say, “Hey, I think you’re an attractive woman.   Want to chat sometime?”  I will have zero motivation for getting to know more about you.   

Do not tell secrets that you’ve left off of your profile.  Save that for the second date, not the second message. 

My opinion as to what makes a good first or second message? 

Make it about the other person. 

Respond to something specific they put in their profile so they know you read it and are interested in them specifically.  With so many generic messages coming in, chances are higher the person will respond if you give them something to respond to. 

What suggestions do you have? 

How to ask someone out (on the internet)

I said yesterday that I had a date scheduled for next week, and now I have two dates!  I had two free evenings and so I booked myself another date.  It’s really not that hard.  I’ll clarify, finding a date on the internet is not that hard.  Asking out a real live person can be hard.  But for this purpose, it’s just a matter of writing someone back and saying:

 

“Hey, thanks for your message.  I looked at your profile and you seem (interesting, fun, like a good match).  Would you like to meet for a drink or coffee in the next few weeks?  Let me know.”

 

I see no point in exchanging a week’s worth of emails with a postage stamp sized photo.  Once contact has been made, it’s time to screen the match in person. 

However, if you are initiating the first contact, you can’t ask them on a date right away.  That’s crazy.

   
There are really only two options for the first meeting, especially if it’s a blind date.  A drink.  Or coffee.  I have one of each next week.  It has been ages since I’ve meet someone for coffee after 11am.  Actually I think the last time I did that I was 17 and couldn’t get into the bars.  I actually am not a coffee drinker.  Is it too wimpy to order some herbal tea on that date?  I really can not handle caffeine. 


If I was better at blogging I would insert a picture of one of those cute coffee cup pictures with the heart traced into the foam.  I am worried about copyrights.

You should say Yes

How embarrassing. Not only am I trolling for dates on the internet, I'm going to write about them for everyone to read.

We've all heard about the woman who made a vow to say "yes" to every date she was asked on. She found true love. Check out The Year of Yes here: http://www.amazon.com/Year-Yes-Maria-Dahvana-Headley/dp/1401308724

I've decided to do something similar. I am putting myself on an Internet dating site, I am going to say yes to my "gentleman callers", and I am going to do some of my own asking.

Since this is not my first rodeo, I have some idea of the treasures of humanity that await me. I tried writing out a few of the highlights, but they looked innocuous once I listed them. Lives with his parents? No big deal really; frozen pizza is his favorite food? We all have some low brow guilty pleasures. Drives a semi truck? Cool, he has a job.

As of yet, I don't have set expectations for what I want out of this adventure.  Except for the adventure of dating itself.  There is nothing in the world like the feeling before a first date. We can explore these in a different post.

My profile has been active for a week. I have my first date next week.  Is that slow?  Whatever.  Build it and they will come. 

Obvious Question:  Do I disclose this blog to my dates?