Interview with a Lady

 

I am introducing a new feature called “Interview with a Lady”

The theme is meant to give guys insights into what a girl really wants, and to let other girls out there know… it’s not just you.

So here we go. 

 What is your number one pet peeve in bed?

 Let me make a list. 1) Pounding -- what the fuck is that? Women are not a pile of meat. 2) Not pre-heating the oven. NOW you can think of us as a pile of meat. You don’t throw a steak in a cold pan, right? 3) Head-pushing. Just in general, I’m not a porn star, and if I’m acting like a porn star, it’s just to make you happy. 4) Expectations. If I’m ready to go, I’m going to be more than excited. If I feel pressured, I’m going to be resentful.

 

What position is overrated?

 Doggy – ow.

 Reverse Cowgirl – too much work.

69 – how many things do I need to concentrate on at one time?

 

Any tips for guys initiating sex? 

Do it coyly. Do it sexily. Make us feel impassioned. Here’s a tip: don’t text us saying that you want to “fuck us silly.” That is not sexy. That is not coy. That is … passion, maybe, but … just not the kind we want, OK? Don’t make us feel like prostitutes. Sometimes just make out with us just to make out with us. If it always must lead to sex, it takes away the surprise and makes us feel pressured. Notice the “pressured” theme? Yeah, there’s something to that.

 

Do you think your guy knows if you fake it?

No way. Girls are masters at creating super-convincing orgasms. And, by the way, the only reason we are is because men will ignore all the normal signs and keep trying to rip us apart until we climax. We’re trying to save our lady parts here.

What myths would you debunk for the average man?

Women do not want to have sex like porn stars. I know you think we do. Stop that. We do not need to scream to enjoy sex, nor do we need to scream to fake it. We have mastered silent orgasms. That’s how good we are. We don’t want to do seven different positions. If things are going, just stick with the program. If you fall out … just don’t do it. You deserve a smack if you’ve done that. Get some control, man.

 Have you tried any tips from Cosmo?

 No, but I did follow some advice someone gave me about something called a starfish.

 

What is your best piece of advice for men?

 Just take off the pressure and everything else will happen on its own.

 

Any phrase/action that is an instant mood-killer?

 “If you’re too sore, I can just put it in your butt.”

 “Girl, I’m gonna fuck you silly.”

 “Can I at least get some head?”

 “You’ll get used to it.”

 “Just suck through the pain.”

 

McJudgerson

I got a text message today from an unknown number.  This is what it said:  J 

Apparently, I received this same text from the same person on January 28^th. 
I am avoiding asking “who is this” because I really do not care. 

An emoticon does not start a conversation.  If you are texting a relative stranger, say who you are and try a traditional conversation starter with a direct call to action. 

Hi, its Ben from the bar last weekend.  How is your week going?  Do you want to grab a drink this weekend?

I am glad a stranger is having the kind of day that inspires sending J to strangers at 11:30 on a Wednesday. But… I am going to go ahead and ignore it. 

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Kissing style is a personal preference, but I think it is most heavily influenced by your first few kissing partners. 

My first kiss was with a red-head named Kyle.  We were playing basketball and he was helping me with my form and then….

There have been a few bad kissers since Kyle.  I think everyone has at least one horror story.  There was one guy who “kissed” by brushing his mouth against mine, but there was no fine movement, he moved his entire head.  From an outside view, I think it loosely resembled a passionate Hollywood-style kiss, but from my point of view it was just confusing.  He is married now and I wonder if his style ever changed.   

I saw an article on MSN yesterday.  Guys, Are you a Bad Kisser?

The tip that I linked too is the most common one that I hear from lady friends.  Just remember, as with most intimate activities: it is all about the hands. 

The other most popular preference I hear from ladies is this one.  Don't be delicate.

You should be 100% sure that a kiss is desired before pulling this move, or else it becomes a horror story for the other party. 

If you ever hear your kissing partner say “let’s try it like this” you are in trouble.  Pay attention or else you risk being talked about and imitated at the next happy hour. 

Friends with Benefits Part II

People have asked me to clarify what some rules are for a friendship with benefits. 

I cannot stress enough: This is not a stand-in boyfriend/girlfriend. 

You do not take them to weddings, office parties, or birthday parties. 

The only time they may meet your friends is if they are picking you up from the bar.  Even then, contact should be limited. 

Eat before you meet.  Dinner is rarely had together unless you have not eaten all day and need a cowboy burger to have the energy necessary for later.

There is no breakfast in the morning.  You can pick up coffee on your way home.  However a bottle of Gatorade is acceptable to swipe from the fridge.

Weeknight rendez-vous are for desperate times and should not be a habit. 

No regular patterns for visits should be established.

Text with a purpose. Do not just text to say hello, be ready to get together once you start the conversation.

The gag order that comes with marriage or a LTR does not apply.

You guys are friends.  Treat each other as such.  Do not be an asshole.  Do not be a bitch.  

Follow these rules and things should be fine.  If you have other rules to add to the list, put them below in the comments. 

Words to Live By

I saw this gem of a quote on a blog the other day:

Do not chase people.  Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Wu Tang

Let’s break it down.

1.       Do not chase people.  In other words, no means no.  Not calling you means no.  Saying they are not ready for a relationship right now means no.  Not meeting up with you at the bar until 1am means no.  Not ever meeting his friends means no.  Review the words and actions of the person you are interested in and react accordingly. 

2.       Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  Cliché time— be yourself!  You cannot make someone like you.  This is tricky because new people can introduce you to new things and you may like these new things.  That is ok.  What is not ok is foregoing the things that made you you in the first place.  Do not start bashing The Bachelor just because your new boyfriend thinks it and everyone who watches it is stupid.  If the other person does not get the tingles when they think about you, nothing you do, wear, or say will change that. 

 

3.       The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Think about your longtime friends.  They know you and still like you!  They have stayed in your life because there is genuine emotion and comfort in the relationship.  Think about your relationships that have failed.  Chances are high that the failure can be attributed to “growing apart” and not being able or comfortable to be yourself. 

Quick Like Band-Aid

Here is a helpful post about how to end things with someone.  This is for those situations where it is not a break-up but you can no longer comfortably disappear off the face of the earth. Start with these nine  words: “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” Say this immediately after saying hello so there is no confusion that you may be calling to plan a date. 

Then throw her/him a bone.  Say something like, “I really do like you.” Follow this with a “But Statement.”  The but statement gives everyone something to feel good about (the phrase that precedes the But) and still allows you tell the harsh truth;  “but I’m just not feeling it.” My rule on those “But Statements” is that it will  negate everything that immediately preceded it.    As my girlfriend says: Damn the but.

After you clarify that casual movie watching (my blog metaphor for sex)  is for sure not on the table, and in the middle of the other person jabbering about their own feelings on the situation, get yourself off the phone as quickly as possible.  Ending the conversation with 100% honesty is really important and the other person should thank you for managing their expectations so clearly, yet gently.  Something like, “I’ve got to run, I’ll call you later.  Actually, no, I probably won’t.”

Six minutes and six seconds later, you will be back in the game.  Without the recipe for delicious cookies that were delivered warm to  your house last week. 

Good luck with your calls! 

How to pick 'em

Some things you know intrinsically and some things you learn through trial and error. 
 

To save all of you some precious time while you are on the dating merry go round, just waiting for the right stallion to come along, here are some lesser known signs that point to good boyfriend  potential:

1.       He has had a girlfriend for more than nine months within the last eighteen months.  See my post below on the theory of who makes a good lover.

2.       He cooks dinner for himself every night and packs a lunch for work.  Hello.   A man who cooks for himself can easily cook for two. 

3.       He has sisters.  Therefore he knows how to survive while living with a girl. 

4.       The sink is clean in his bathroom.  Explains itself.

5.       He does not consistently speak with all of his exs, but doesn’t hate them either.

6.       He has a pet.  Therefore he has the capacity to love unconditionally.

7.       There is artwork hung in his home.  Think of the honey-do list. 

8.       He still wants to hang out when you are not feeling well.

9.       You are torn between wanting to talk to him and wanting to watch movies make out with him. 

10. He knows that no means no and yes means OHMYGODLETSDOITRIGHTNOWOHGODYESYESYES
 

If you have picked up on other tell tale signs of a good boyfriend, please share them!

Hey Sexy

I hate texting with strangers even more than I hate emailing with strangers.  I gave out my number to a 42 year old doctor because texting is easier for him.  Fine.  I will just imagine him saving lives and texting in between hand washings. 

The issue is his first text: “hey sexy”

I am cool with the phrase “hey sexy” when it is being said by my girlfriends or construction workers.  When it comes from a man who found me on the internet, its off-putting.  I judged it and him.  I am not a priss or a prude and I can appreciate some flirtatious back and forth. 

Sending “hey sexy” as a first text seems like something you would send at 12:30am when you are scheduling your backup plan if things did not work out for you at the bar that night.  This message was sent at 11am.  It also seems immature. 

Perhaps if I knew this guy better I would not judge it so harshly.  But he should have taken that “hey, we are strangers”  into account when he sent it, right? 

My advice:  A simple “Thanks for sharing your number.  How is your day going”  would have been enough to get the momentum going.  If you really want to get to know a girl and meet her in person, keep it classy. 

Reader Question

I got a question from a reader the other day:

I went on a date where I have no desire to see him again. He text me later that night and said he wanted to get to know me better and I text back that I honestly didn't feel a spark, and he replied "thanks for your honesty but I usually like to give it 2 dates because people are nervous on the first date". How do you let people down gently but honestly?

 

The guy in this situation has a point, people are usually nervous on the first date.  If you cannot get over your nerves in the first twenty minutes, it is likely that you are shooting way out of your league.  You have to earn the follow up, just as you would in an audition, job interview, or sales pitch. 

 

I am just imagining the nerves the man would have on the second date, knowing that you did not feel the spark on the first date!  If you have another two hours to waste and you are feeling generous, go for it. 

 

If you do not have the time or the inclination, here is what I would suggest.  Text him back and say “Thanks for the suggestion.  I hope my honesty saves us both some time.  It was very nice to meet you and good luck on your future dates!” 

 

Please, always respond to people who follow up after a date.  Its good karma. 

Ask the Blogger

A reader emailed me this question:

Who picks place/date/time of the date?  If you live in different areas of town, do you have to meet in the middle? 

The logistics of dating is tough.  Obviously I have some opinions on the above questions. 

Here are the rules:

1.       A first date is not to be a hassle.

Parking, a spot to sit, and talking at a conversational volume should not be difficult at the chosen location. 

2.       The person who does the asking also needs to do the picking. Date, place, and time. 

It is allowable to put out 2-3 ideas for locations and leave the final decision up to the person who does the accepting.  When you put out the location ideas, it is polite to offer to go to the other person’s area of town.

     3.       The person accepting must not muddy the waters with even more location suggestions.  Date and time is negotiable.
 

4.       Do not double book yourself.  You will never make it to the second date or evening appointment that you scheduled.  I promise.

What happens after you watch a movie

I was thinking of what happens after “the movie” is over and before you get your sweatpants out.  What should you have on hand to make your viewing partner comfortable? 

It depends on how you want to be perceived.  It is a fine line of being a bad host and being too prepared so you come across like you run a low budget hostel and the price of a nights stay is a 99 cent redbox movie. 

Here are some suggestions.

A frozen pizza. It’s nice to have a midnight snack. If your movie partner is someone who you would kick out of your bed for eating crackers (or pizza as the current cast may be), you might want to rethink the decision to watch a movie. 

Champagne.  Not only does it go well with frozen pizza, it might lead to a second viewing of the movie.  You know, now that you know when all of the good parts are coming. 

If you are a man, it is nice if you have a tshirt that you do not mind sharing.  A pair of basketball shorts may be nice. Both of these should come out of a drawer.  Because they are clean.

Contact solution and a case is never unwelcome.  Since I myself wear contacts, I would never put someone in the hostel owner category if they happened to keep some on hand.  Just tell me that you had laser eye surgery and never got rid of the other stuff. 

Mouthwash is welcome. Having a spare toothbrush on hand is borderline hostel owner.

Spare cash.  You just never know. 

McJudgerson

Sometimes I think internet dating sites are just a giant opportunity to build my own boyfriend.  I only want to see profiles of men over 6’2”, nonsmoker, is single (hey, it is an option to pick someone who is not single) live in my city, and has graduated from at least a four year accredited college.  BTW if you fit this profile and want to grab a drink or coffee, hit the bowling lanes, visit a trendy restaurant, impress me with your cooking and then watch a movie together, leave me a comment!

 I look at all of these profiles and what I mean by “I look at all of these profiles” is that I look at all of their profile pictures.   I am judging every match by his cell phone self portrait or a badly cropped photo where I try to decide if I am cuter than the girl who’s clavicle is still in the picture. 

Is that ok?  There should be some baseline attraction, but a person is so much more than their profile picture.  Do their essay’s referencing zombies or no drama lifestyle do a person justice?  Short of emailing everyone who shows up on the search page, how do you discriminate? 

In real life it seems that couples get to know each other in every dimension.  As a result, the outer package can matter less because of what we all learned in kindergarten: It is what is inside that matters. 

Is there a way to get inside on the internet? 

How to conduct yourself at a bar

Here are a few quick tips that I learned at middle school dances that I think translate well to the bar scene. 

1.       Do not huddle in a large group. 

I get it, you want that cute guy across the bar (who, come on, is probably a doctor) to think you are super cool and the most popular girl at the bar.  However, you need to be accessible.  Break off into a group of no larger than three.  This also increases the chances that the doctor will buy all three of you a drink; they get a free drink to dull the pain of rejection and you get a make-out partner on the dance floor. 

 

2.       Wear an outfit that you trust. 

If you have to ask your friends to keep an eye on any part of your outfit remaining in a advantageous state,  you should change.  It is guaranteed that you will have a clothing malfunction and it will not be your friends fault. 

 

3.       Keep the drink simple, yet sophisticated.

Ok, so I did not learn that in middle school (or did I…) but please, no drink with more than two ingredients.  And those two ingredients cannot be: rum and coke.    If you are not of age to be in a bar, that drink will give you away right quick.  And if you are of age and ordering that, you are signaling that you are immature and not ready for a relationship.  Or that you are only ready for a relationship that will have a lifespan of ten hours, which is not long enough to get breakfast in the morning. 

 

Any other advice? 

 

First Contact

I alluded to the delicacies of the first contact in my last post.  i.e. don’t ask someone out in your first message. 

Here are some other things not to do.  Featuring fun, real life examples.

Do not send before proofreading.

Hi. How's I new here and I liked your profile.

Example 2
I work in corporate IT as a (fancy job title) and ibhave had people that work for me on this site and so a little discretion abt my fitness life... nothing wrong with them seeing but puts an awkward twist.. iam (namewitheld).

Do not proposition someone in the first message:

I've been looking at your profile and I was wondering if you might like to get to know each other and see where that will take us? I'm ready and ultimately looking for my best friend/partner/lover. I know that doesn't happen suddenly though, most of the time anyway but I'm hoping to find someone that wants to maybe see right away if something more serious will work and possibly maybe even spending a weekend together sometime whenever your schedule allows... If you'd like to be friends first though and just see where things go from there that's cool to. send me a message back.

*wants to maybe see right away if something more serious will work?!  Call it what it is buddy.  Not gonna happen. 

Do not proposition someone in the second message:

 First message:

Hi, my name is (name withheld). I'd like to get to know you. Would you be interested in joining me for coffee sometime?

 

No response from me.

Second  message:

If you're not interested in getting to know me, would you be interested in hooking up?
*its my personal quest to find out the thought process behiend these bold statements.  This guy and I have a coffee date next week.

 

Do not ask someone how long they have been on the site.  You will get a lie, or you will wonder what is wrong with them, in case that is not already clear from their profile.

Do not say, “Hey, I think you’re an attractive woman.   Want to chat sometime?”  I will have zero motivation for getting to know more about you.   

Do not tell secrets that you’ve left off of your profile.  Save that for the second date, not the second message. 

My opinion as to what makes a good first or second message? 

Make it about the other person. 

Respond to something specific they put in their profile so they know you read it and are interested in them specifically.  With so many generic messages coming in, chances are higher the person will respond if you give them something to respond to. 

What suggestions do you have?