Interview with a Lady

 

I am introducing a new feature called “Interview with a Lady”

The theme is meant to give guys insights into what a girl really wants, and to let other girls out there know… it’s not just you.

So here we go. 

 What is your number one pet peeve in bed?

 Let me make a list. 1) Pounding -- what the fuck is that? Women are not a pile of meat. 2) Not pre-heating the oven. NOW you can think of us as a pile of meat. You don’t throw a steak in a cold pan, right? 3) Head-pushing. Just in general, I’m not a porn star, and if I’m acting like a porn star, it’s just to make you happy. 4) Expectations. If I’m ready to go, I’m going to be more than excited. If I feel pressured, I’m going to be resentful.

 

What position is overrated?

 Doggy – ow.

 Reverse Cowgirl – too much work.

69 – how many things do I need to concentrate on at one time?

 

Any tips for guys initiating sex? 

Do it coyly. Do it sexily. Make us feel impassioned. Here’s a tip: don’t text us saying that you want to “fuck us silly.” That is not sexy. That is not coy. That is … passion, maybe, but … just not the kind we want, OK? Don’t make us feel like prostitutes. Sometimes just make out with us just to make out with us. If it always must lead to sex, it takes away the surprise and makes us feel pressured. Notice the “pressured” theme? Yeah, there’s something to that.

 

Do you think your guy knows if you fake it?

No way. Girls are masters at creating super-convincing orgasms. And, by the way, the only reason we are is because men will ignore all the normal signs and keep trying to rip us apart until we climax. We’re trying to save our lady parts here.

What myths would you debunk for the average man?

Women do not want to have sex like porn stars. I know you think we do. Stop that. We do not need to scream to enjoy sex, nor do we need to scream to fake it. We have mastered silent orgasms. That’s how good we are. We don’t want to do seven different positions. If things are going, just stick with the program. If you fall out … just don’t do it. You deserve a smack if you’ve done that. Get some control, man.

 Have you tried any tips from Cosmo?

 No, but I did follow some advice someone gave me about something called a starfish.

 

What is your best piece of advice for men?

 Just take off the pressure and everything else will happen on its own.

 

Any phrase/action that is an instant mood-killer?

 “If you’re too sore, I can just put it in your butt.”

 “Girl, I’m gonna fuck you silly.”

 “Can I at least get some head?”

 “You’ll get used to it.”

 “Just suck through the pain.”

 

I give you this ring

Promise rings

Are promise rings still a thing?  A friend spotted one on a coworker and we got to talking and Googling.  Some of the first results featured Rings as low as $29.99! One of the most prized pieces of jewelry a woman can own!

I was not into promise rings when I was 16 (my parents did not let me date until I was 18), but even then they creeped me out. 

If you have a partner who starts talking about promise rings, or even worse, gives you one, I would ask
1. Are they above the age of consent?
2. Why not just get a bottle of wine and a block of cheddar for the same price? 

Talk is cheap. A diamond is not. 

Internet Research

Great news ladies.

61% of men say they do not care if you shave your legs!!!!!

However this is the question that was asked:

So let’s say you hook up with a woman you like a lot, but she has a few days’ worth of stubble on her legs.

The caviat is that the man does not care, as long as he already likes you. However, if he does not "like you a lot" shaving your legs may be good insurance.

It can be a good barometer for guys too, if a girl has not shaved her legs, she probably does not "like you a lot" either.

McJudgerson

I got a text message today from an unknown number.  This is what it said:  J 

Apparently, I received this same text from the same person on January 28^th. 
I am avoiding asking “who is this” because I really do not care. 

An emoticon does not start a conversation.  If you are texting a relative stranger, say who you are and try a traditional conversation starter with a direct call to action. 

Hi, its Ben from the bar last weekend.  How is your week going?  Do you want to grab a drink this weekend?

I am glad a stranger is having the kind of day that inspires sending J to strangers at 11:30 on a Wednesday. But… I am going to go ahead and ignore it. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

What would a dating blog be without recognizing a polarizing holiday about love and heartsglitterflowersdiamondsbreakfastinbedandsurprisetripstoaprivateisland.

Some people are super into Valentine’s Day, some say they are not into it—but secretly are, and then there are those who use it as a day to do all of the things they should have been doing all along. 

Today can be looked at like Halloween:  everyone is expected to dress up and participate. You can celebrate by wearing a headband with cat ears on it, or by renting a Cleopatra costume.  Both levels of participation are just fine. 

My feeling on the day are of the “headband variety.”  Today is not a big deal.  That once got miscommunicated to a reluctant boyfriend to mean that I did not want to recognize it at all.  Valentine’s Day is the same day every year.  There is time to at least buy a card and sign your name. 

Today is not a day for you to sit back and judge your partner on how much effort goes into celebrating your love.  That should be happening every day J  If you do not have a partner to judge, judge yourself on how well you love yourself. 

This year I looked forward to the holiday more than I did last year when I had a boyfriend.   If it is a day about love, why not spread it around?  I made valentines with a girlfriend and sent them out to friends and family and shared them with coworkers.   I had to pay for priority shipping to the out-of-towners because I hate going to the post office.  

Carrie Bradshaw’s famous quote is quite appropriate for today:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

I am really looking forward to a mani/pedi tonight.  By myself.   I also have champagne chilling in the fridge.  Boom.  Valentine’s Day = made. 

A Do or A Don't

Carrying condoms.  A Do or a Don’t?

What is the judgment on a man carrying a condom in his pocket/wallet/jacket? 

A.      Safety First

B.      What a MORE

C.      At least he is prepared  

D.      It is his job to supply the condom

After I judge I also wonder:

     A.      How old is it?  Is it better if it is old, or if it is new? 
     B.    How does he even know if I like that kind?  (Invariably, the condom that comes out to the bar is the super textured version which in my frank opinion, is not that pleasurable).

I guess the real takeaway is to not sleep with a guy that you met at the bar.  And if you do….. Have your own condoms on hand if you are worried about the brand/style/age/effectiveness of what he may supply. 

And do you know what do not work?  Cotton/lace condoms.  So be smart. 

Hey Sexy

I hate texting with strangers even more than I hate emailing with strangers.  I gave out my number to a 42 year old doctor because texting is easier for him.  Fine.  I will just imagine him saving lives and texting in between hand washings. 

The issue is his first text: “hey sexy”

I am cool with the phrase “hey sexy” when it is being said by my girlfriends or construction workers.  When it comes from a man who found me on the internet, its off-putting.  I judged it and him.  I am not a priss or a prude and I can appreciate some flirtatious back and forth. 

Sending “hey sexy” as a first text seems like something you would send at 12:30am when you are scheduling your backup plan if things did not work out for you at the bar that night.  This message was sent at 11am.  It also seems immature. 

Perhaps if I knew this guy better I would not judge it so harshly.  But he should have taken that “hey, we are strangers”  into account when he sent it, right? 

My advice:  A simple “Thanks for sharing your number.  How is your day going”  would have been enough to get the momentum going.  If you really want to get to know a girl and meet her in person, keep it classy. 

Judging from a distance

There are men that are young at heart and then there are men that are old.

How old is too old?  I promise you can recognize “too old” from a distance.  Signs that a man is not of your generation are not always visible to the naked eye .  You will need to look deeper.

 Do not judge by hair color.  Along those same lines, do not judge by hair volume.  While there are pills and creams to reverse both of these markers of age, not all men participate in the reversal of aging on the same scale that women do.  Which is too bad, but that may be a topic for another post.

Not all old men like scotch.  They can still be seen ordering a captain and coke at a busy bar. 

The crowd in a bar at 2am has an equal chance of being made up of men over forty as it does of  men under twenty.  The men over forty are easier to entice out onto the dance floor.  They also usually have the cash on hand to get you a cab home.

The quickest way to determine age  is to engage the man in a conversation about sports.  If they reference favorite players/playoff/stadiums that played/happened/were torn down before you were born, they might be a generation or two older than you. 

If the conversation goes on long enough, you can wait for the man to reference a favorite tv show.  If that show happens to be anything that is viewable after 9pm on cable, he might be too old for you.  In today’s terms, that means if he watched Seinfeld (when it was new), Melrose Place, Dallas, Cheers, or has never heard of Gossip Girl, he may be old.  This does not mean that he falls in the “too old” category. 

If he is up past midnight and 6'1", I would give the thumbs up to at least grabbing brunch. 

The Theory

You know the joke about how men are like snowstorms?

My girlfriends and I developed this forecasting theory after years of field research.  We compiled all of our observations and notes and came up with this. 

If a man is between the height of 5’10” and 6’1” you will be guaranteed a satisfyingly sized male appendage.

 If a man is above or below these heights, it is a crapshoot.  Trends seem to dictate that there are more variations and small surprises on the taller side of the scale. 

Gentlemen.  Is there a similar theory out there for women?  I don’t envy you the surprise of finding out what is under a quality push up bra. 

FYI The research team is compiled of really nice young women.  Who talk a lot.    

McJudgerson

Sometimes I think internet dating sites are just a giant opportunity to build my own boyfriend.  I only want to see profiles of men over 6’2”, nonsmoker, is single (hey, it is an option to pick someone who is not single) live in my city, and has graduated from at least a four year accredited college.  BTW if you fit this profile and want to grab a drink or coffee, hit the bowling lanes, visit a trendy restaurant, impress me with your cooking and then watch a movie together, leave me a comment!

 I look at all of these profiles and what I mean by “I look at all of these profiles” is that I look at all of their profile pictures.   I am judging every match by his cell phone self portrait or a badly cropped photo where I try to decide if I am cuter than the girl who’s clavicle is still in the picture. 

Is that ok?  There should be some baseline attraction, but a person is so much more than their profile picture.  Do their essay’s referencing zombies or no drama lifestyle do a person justice?  Short of emailing everyone who shows up on the search page, how do you discriminate? 

In real life it seems that couples get to know each other in every dimension.  As a result, the outer package can matter less because of what we all learned in kindergarten: It is what is inside that matters. 

Is there a way to get inside on the internet? 

McJudgerson

I think grammar is important. I was an English major in college. While I still do not know all of the comma rules, I do know some other rules. If you break these rules, I will judge you. If that is not scary enough, I likely will not respond to your message.  Now there's a threat. 
 

I doubt that I am the only one who feels this way.

 

Here are some red flags I look for.  Pay attention if you ever plan on asking me out. 
 

The correct use of There, Their, They're. This link explains it best

 

Examples:

Hello there! Look over there! I've been there before.

Their grammar is poor. Their picture is cute.

They're late. They're going to the movies tonight.

The correct use of Your and You're.  You're is a contraction of You Are. Your is possessive.

 

Examples:

You're cute.

Your profile is interesting. What is your favorite book?

 

And finally... the correct use of LEND and BORROW. I cannot believe how many people know this rule and continue to use the words in the incorrect form.

 

Example:

Can I borrow your sweater?

Sure, I can lend you my sweater.

 

Take notes. Bookmark this post. I am serious.