Interview with a Gentleman

Next in my series of interviews is a good friend who lives on the East Coast. He is 28, a middle child, owns his own place, wears great jeans, is the star player of a championship intramural basketball team, and has a strong dislike for PDA.

1.What are you judging on the first date?

Men judge...everything. The man should pick the first date location and as soon as they get together everyone is being judged, man & woman. Most important would be conversation topics; is she interesting? If she's not interesting, it'll quickly either become a short term engagement (sex), or, quickly wrap up. One slip up can ruin everything, so don't let the guard down.

2. What is your follow up procedure after a first date?

Depends on how the date went. A real good date is always great to follow-up with a "had a really great time tonight; hope to see you again soon" text. (At this point texting is ok, prior to first date texting is off-limits unless the woman initiates it). The days of playing games are over - so waiting a few days to call the girl is passé' -what are you waiting for? If you liked her and want to hang out again; why wait? Unless you're playing games and just want to hook up.

3. What do you really think about a girl who gives it up on the first date?

Most guys don't judge on this one way or another, although if you have sex on the first date all of their friends will know. (i.e. the only question a guy's guy friend asks him after a date "did you f*ck her?" don’t be offended, but that’s pretty much the extent of the conversation amongst men regarding their dates). Sex on a first date opens you up to a guy just hooking up with you and not calling again; but you should know if it went really well or not and then go from there. Looking at it separately, a girl that makes out with someone on the first date in public; big time turn-off & long-term issues. French-kissing on the dance floor or anywhere - ain't gonna work. Most of this stuff should take place in private. If a chick is making out with you in public, she's making out with other people in public. Can't be marrying that.

4. Do you carry a condom at all times?

Never, anyone carrying a condom is a douche-bag. Run from these men. Also, girls shouldn’t have condoms at their house; it makes them look like a slut. (never tell someone "it's ok, I have condoms") - for me, big time turn-off (unless she has a boyfriend and this is a sexual fling...then it makes sense that she has condoms). If no condoms at your house suck it up and don't have sex. If the first or second date goes really well there's plenty of stuff to do without sex, and for sure he'll come better prepared next time.

5. If you have been on a date recently, any good advice for the girls that come next?

Drink & have fun. Let the guy pick up the tab for dinner & early drinks, but there's nothing better than once you treat a girl right having her say 'let's grab a nightcap on me'. Guys should pay for most, but a girl who is confident, successful, and generous are hard to find and a big time turn on.

 

The Spark Theory

The Spark Theory is the idea that something intangible must exist between two people to create something worth nurturing.  

A spark is the feeling you get when you see their number pop up on your phone, as they walk into your house, or when you physically connect. 

There is a journey to falling in love, but a spark is needed to start lighting the path.  Attraction is not borne of a checklist or proximity.  Emotional fulfillment does not come from “winning” someone.  

Married people explain it as “I just knew.” 

Sparks can leave scars but you cannot have the fire/passion/warmth of a relationship without them. 

Friends with Benefits Part II

People have asked me to clarify what some rules are for a friendship with benefits. 

I cannot stress enough: This is not a stand-in boyfriend/girlfriend. 

You do not take them to weddings, office parties, or birthday parties. 

The only time they may meet your friends is if they are picking you up from the bar.  Even then, contact should be limited. 

Eat before you meet.  Dinner is rarely had together unless you have not eaten all day and need a cowboy burger to have the energy necessary for later.

There is no breakfast in the morning.  You can pick up coffee on your way home.  However a bottle of Gatorade is acceptable to swipe from the fridge.

Weeknight rendez-vous are for desperate times and should not be a habit. 

No regular patterns for visits should be established.

Text with a purpose. Do not just text to say hello, be ready to get together once you start the conversation.

The gag order that comes with marriage or a LTR does not apply.

You guys are friends.  Treat each other as such.  Do not be an asshole.  Do not be a bitch.  

Follow these rules and things should be fine.  If you have other rules to add to the list, put them below in the comments. 

Interview with a Gentleman

It is time for another look into a man’s point of view.  I went back to my friend from Denver to get his perspective on some common dating questions. 

1.What are your rules for a first date?

RULES: Go somewhere unique and fun where you can talk (not dinner and a movie). Usually something casual, even a walk around the park or the zoo (my favorite first date, plus I love the zoo). If it's something small, I will always pay...even if it's something bigger I guess. However, times are modern, and if a girl offers to split it with me, I will allow that, and I take it as a very positive sign. If she offers to pay or to participate (splitting, paying for ice cream, etc) it means that she was raised well and won't be sucking you dry the whole "relationship". I always dress nice, but I don't go outside of my comfort zone. For the most part, what you see right away is what you're going to get. On that note, I'll throw out a test dirty joke or off colored comment to see how she reacts. My girl will be appalled but tolerant of my dirty mind.

 

2. How soon do you know you want to kiss a girl on a date?

How soon do I KNOW?? Immediately. First things first is a physical connection. I like a kiss at the end of the night, half mouth, half cheek. Let's you feel if it is smooth and easy, or awkward (you can't tell a whole lot from a half kiss), tells her that you want to be phyiscal, but that you don't need it and aren't looking for it tonight (see my research in the post "girls want what they can't have" Also, half kisses is the easiest segway to a full kiss. Then you're naked.

3. Who does the follow up after the first date?

I think it's really nice, if you had a good time, to call the next day to say you had a fun time. Whether or not you intend to ask for another date at that time, it's nice to at least say you had fun, the next day. The girl can do it too, and the girl can also ask for the date. Again, times are modern. I love it when a girl takes my hand on a date or calls me up with a fun plan. Two way street, bitches.

4. Why do you go out on a second date?

1. There was a spark; 2. You almost sealed the deal, and you need one more try; 3. It seems like you two should be clicking, but you're still not sure; 4. You need a date for an event or something that you need to keep her on the line for.

5.Have you ever tried to pick up a woman at the grocery store?

No :-). Flirted plenty. I was talking to this hot chick once, and her nerd boyfriend didn't notice until her turned to her and asked (in the nerdiest voice) "should we try a different brand today?" I laughed and left.

 

Friends with Benefits

Friends with Bennefits.  Friends with Bennies.  FWB. 

A good friend is hard to find.  A good friend with benefits is even harder to find. 

This is a grey area for a lot of people.  Sex without dating is pretty great, but it is not the greatest thing ever.  Real dating gets you a plus one invitation and a built in companion to the opera and Sunday family dinners.  A FWB gets you laid on the weekend and the occasional weeknight. 

It is easier to transition a friend to a FWB than it is to transition someone who you have gone on a few dates with.  When dating comes first, the expectations will always be different for at least one of you.  Someone who has a crush on you does not make a beneficial friend. 

I think that access to this friend can keep you from making dumb decisions with other men or women.  The FWB is a placeholder, but they are taking one of the more pleasant spot available in your life. 

If the friend makes you sleep in the unheated attic playroom because there is a king sized bed there, but refuses to share body heat during the night, keep looking. 

Saying Yes

In the spirit of saying “yes” I have started giving out my phone number more when I am at a bar out and about.  Here is a story about what can happen when you give out your number to strangers. 

My phone rang on Monday night around 6:30.  Since I get a lot of work calls forwarded to my cell phone, I picked it up. 

“Hello, this is Megan.” Super professional.

“Hey Megan, how’s it going?” Friendly, feels more like a social call. 

 “Doing well, just on my way home from work, how are you?”  Buying time and trying to get a clue about who this is.

“Yeah, just heading home from class, I had a lab today, blah blah blah.”  Yeah, I have no idea who this is.

I kept asking questions so I did not have to embarrass myself  by asking “wait, who is this?” five minutes into the phone call.  I found myself admitting that I was free the next night.  To a total stranger.

He asked if we could go swing dancing for our date. Ding ding ding!  It was one of my dance partners from NYE.  He looked like Brad Pitt from 1993 and had his face painted like an Avatar (it was a thing at the bar that nhight) and he danced like he was in the movie Strictly Ballroom.  Oh, and he is 24.  

I had ignored a text from him earlier this week asking the same question.  But then I realized that when a man invites you out dancing, you should say yes. 

You + Me = We

When things are new with a relationship, you can look for signs that this is going to last.  Any phrase with a “we” in it puts rainbows in your eyes. 

“We can have a Channing Tatum movie marathon next time. Tonight let’s watch The Campaign.” 

“I heard about a new restaurant, we should check it out sometime.

“I told my mom I was busy tonight because we had plans already to hang out.”

When there are a lot of rainbows floating around it can be hard to see anything else.  Do you know what you should be looking for?  The actual activities/events/things that have been referenced in the rainbow phrases.  Do you have a Channing Tatum movie night?  Do you check out that new restaurant?  Or do you continue to see each other after 8pm with no real agenda besides “watching a movie.”   

Anyone can make a promise or pretend to plan ahead.  They may even mean it at the time.  A person with real interest will follow through.

If you hear a “we” phrase and it makes you puke a little in your mouth you should start practicing your breakup speech.   

Words to Live By

I saw this gem of a quote on a blog the other day:

Do not chase people.  Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Wu Tang

Let’s break it down.

1.       Do not chase people.  In other words, no means no.  Not calling you means no.  Saying they are not ready for a relationship right now means no.  Not meeting up with you at the bar until 1am means no.  Not ever meeting his friends means no.  Review the words and actions of the person you are interested in and react accordingly. 

2.       Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  Cliché time— be yourself!  You cannot make someone like you.  This is tricky because new people can introduce you to new things and you may like these new things.  That is ok.  What is not ok is foregoing the things that made you you in the first place.  Do not start bashing The Bachelor just because your new boyfriend thinks it and everyone who watches it is stupid.  If the other person does not get the tingles when they think about you, nothing you do, wear, or say will change that. 

 

3.       The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Think about your longtime friends.  They know you and still like you!  They have stayed in your life because there is genuine emotion and comfort in the relationship.  Think about your relationships that have failed.  Chances are high that the failure can be attributed to “growing apart” and not being able or comfortable to be yourself. 

Internet Research

I read this article the other day:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/12/121210133509.htm

It explores the dynamic of real adult relationships vs an adult/child model.  It’s a good read. 

Here’s a quick summary:

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as "avoidant" when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was "clingy," for example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. "Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm -- including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues."

I would say that if a person describes the end of all past relationships as the fault of the other person being too clingy, you have caught one of the 22.4%.  And if that is why you have called things off with every partner, get yourself some therapy. 

Inbox Gem

All girls get a lot of message activity when they are on a dating site.  Here is a recent gem from my inbox.

A date with you would make my life complete. 

This was all he said.  I picture him copying and pasting that line twenty times a night for every profile that comes up as a match. 

This is an excerpt from his profile: I’m going to need you to be interesting and attractive. 

I am tempted to ask him how this is working for him.

Eight Years Later

On New Years Eve I was out with a few girlfriends wooping it up at a local bar.  The drinks were delicious.  The music was danceable.  The crowd was tolerable, which is saying a lot since it was NYE. 

I was the only single one in the group, which is not unusual at my age.  One man at the end of the bar caught the eye of a lady in my party.  He was tall, dark haired, dressed in three piece suit, and had a fabulous mustache.   My friend insisted that I go dance with him in her proxy.

I was eyeing him up and he winked at me.  That’s an invitation to approach, so I walked over. 

“Megan!  Holy shit! I can’t believe this,  I haven’t seen you in, what, like eight years?”

Oh My God.  How awkward.  I thought this man was a stranger.  And he was to me because I had no idea who he was. 

And then I remembered.  I had slept with him. A few times.  Eight years ago. 

I remembered him as a tall, skinny, emo/punk who wore black skinny jeans and studded belts and had a faux hawk before they were called such.  Lucky for me, I also then remembered his name.

While dancing and reminiscing, he told me I looked the exact same.  I decided to let it be a compliment. 

Then he asked me, “Are you breasts as perfect as I remember?”

I was drunk enough to laugh it off and assure him that they were likely even better, but even in that state I knew that that stupid question was going to prevent him from seeing for himself. 

Blah blah blah, the night went on, there was more dancing with my friends and other (true) strangers. I got back to the hotel with my friends  and got these text messages: 

Him: That shit crazy!

Me: No kidding

Him: Send nudez

Him: I forgot what they look like.

Me: Sounds like it will stay that way.  Happy New Year. 

Regrets are useless.  However, you can make sure not to make the same mistakes twice.