Interview with a Lady

 

I am introducing a new feature called “Interview with a Lady”

The theme is meant to give guys insights into what a girl really wants, and to let other girls out there know… it’s not just you.

So here we go. 

 What is your number one pet peeve in bed?

 Let me make a list. 1) Pounding -- what the fuck is that? Women are not a pile of meat. 2) Not pre-heating the oven. NOW you can think of us as a pile of meat. You don’t throw a steak in a cold pan, right? 3) Head-pushing. Just in general, I’m not a porn star, and if I’m acting like a porn star, it’s just to make you happy. 4) Expectations. If I’m ready to go, I’m going to be more than excited. If I feel pressured, I’m going to be resentful.

 

What position is overrated?

 Doggy – ow.

 Reverse Cowgirl – too much work.

69 – how many things do I need to concentrate on at one time?

 

Any tips for guys initiating sex? 

Do it coyly. Do it sexily. Make us feel impassioned. Here’s a tip: don’t text us saying that you want to “fuck us silly.” That is not sexy. That is not coy. That is … passion, maybe, but … just not the kind we want, OK? Don’t make us feel like prostitutes. Sometimes just make out with us just to make out with us. If it always must lead to sex, it takes away the surprise and makes us feel pressured. Notice the “pressured” theme? Yeah, there’s something to that.

 

Do you think your guy knows if you fake it?

No way. Girls are masters at creating super-convincing orgasms. And, by the way, the only reason we are is because men will ignore all the normal signs and keep trying to rip us apart until we climax. We’re trying to save our lady parts here.

What myths would you debunk for the average man?

Women do not want to have sex like porn stars. I know you think we do. Stop that. We do not need to scream to enjoy sex, nor do we need to scream to fake it. We have mastered silent orgasms. That’s how good we are. We don’t want to do seven different positions. If things are going, just stick with the program. If you fall out … just don’t do it. You deserve a smack if you’ve done that. Get some control, man.

 Have you tried any tips from Cosmo?

 No, but I did follow some advice someone gave me about something called a starfish.

 

What is your best piece of advice for men?

 Just take off the pressure and everything else will happen on its own.

 

Any phrase/action that is an instant mood-killer?

 “If you’re too sore, I can just put it in your butt.”

 “Girl, I’m gonna fuck you silly.”

 “Can I at least get some head?”

 “You’ll get used to it.”

 “Just suck through the pain.”

 

I give you this ring

Promise rings

Are promise rings still a thing?  A friend spotted one on a coworker and we got to talking and Googling.  Some of the first results featured Rings as low as $29.99! One of the most prized pieces of jewelry a woman can own!

I was not into promise rings when I was 16 (my parents did not let me date until I was 18), but even then they creeped me out. 

If you have a partner who starts talking about promise rings, or even worse, gives you one, I would ask
1. Are they above the age of consent?
2. Why not just get a bottle of wine and a block of cheddar for the same price? 

Talk is cheap. A diamond is not. 

Default Dating

I had my date with the guy my friendspulled for me.  I had suggested five places and he picked the time and place.  8pm.  A Monday.  A well known cocktail bar. 

I wore jeans, boots, and a sweater. 

Turns out, my date really only drinks rum and cokes.  This bar has a famous bartender, award winning drinks, and a whiskey/scotch list that is worth drooling over.  He manned up and got a scotch, I had a tasting flight.  And then I finished his scotch for him.

We had plenty to chat about.  He did tell me that he has never met a group of ladies who are “so real” and funny and attractive in a group before.  Aww.  He likes my friends!  Since I was the only single one in the group, I was the lucky one who got the follow up date.

I paid for the drinks at the first stop.  Apparently this put him in my debt (obviously) but he did at least ask if it was important for me to pay on “the first date.”  I would say it is important because it is something to judge him on.  He failed.

My date suggested we move to a different bar, and suggested it be someplace close to my house.  I am debating if this kindness was because of my early morning the next day, or if he thought being close to my house would increase his chances of being invited over. 

The conversation was good, but I think he thought my sense of humor was off, because when he would say something “funny” he would always follow up with, “I’m just joking.”  Yeah buddy.  I get it.

I think I raised his…hopes… when we had a mini (very mini) makeout session in the parking lot.  I know kissing styles can be modified,  but … I would prefer that my new boyfriend comes fully compatible in that area.    

We went our separate ways and I let him know that he was in charge of the next date.  It has been three weeks and I have not heard a word.  I would have gone on the second date, he did owe me, but likely not a third.

Internet Research

Great news ladies.

61% of men say they do not care if you shave your legs!!!!!

However this is the question that was asked:

So let’s say you hook up with a woman you like a lot, but she has a few days’ worth of stubble on her legs.

The caviat is that the man does not care, as long as he already likes you. However, if he does not "like you a lot" shaving your legs may be good insurance.

It can be a good barometer for guys too, if a girl has not shaved her legs, she probably does not "like you a lot" either.

Things I know

When I was on my last date, I started it with my hair down.  I had recently gotten it cut and colored and had even curled it for the date.  When our drinks arrived, I put it up in a ponytail.  I hate seeing girls hair fall into their food or drinks when they leave it down.  Gross.  Once my hair was up my date said, “oh, I like what you just did.”

This is not the first time I have been alerted that men prefer my hair in a ponytail.  It got me thinking about what else I know for sure about men’s preferences and hopes for women to wear, do, and have. 

Here is a list:

1.     Ponytails
2.     Boots
3.     Sundresses
4.     Southern accents
5.     Wearing baseball caps
6.     Tan lines
7.     Soft hands
8.     Boy-shorts
9.     Skirt business suits
10.   Yoga pants
11.   Gum in our purses

Obviously there are sexual things I could put on the list, but I think those are pretty universal, and I do not want this to be a crass list. 

One man I surveyed said “Headbands, like the workout ones” but I did not get any other men to corroborate that preference, so I left it off the list.