Tick Tock

I saw this during my internet browsing today:

If You Don’t Want to Really Kiss Her Two Hours in…

…there’s probably no love connection. I know that it can take women two or three dates to feel chemistry. We [men] don’t work that way. You should really want to kiss her, and if you don’t, it’s not a crime. Just be nice and enjoy the conversation.

WHAT?!  

I do not think of kissing until the second date.  There are exceptions but those exceptions usually occur on a night when you knock boots all five dates off the list. 

So.  I guess the first impression really is everything on a first date.   

My takeaway?  Be sure that you impress in less.    

 

Hey Sexy

I hate texting with strangers even more than I hate emailing with strangers.  I gave out my number to a 42 year old doctor because texting is easier for him.  Fine.  I will just imagine him saving lives and texting in between hand washings. 

The issue is his first text: “hey sexy”

I am cool with the phrase “hey sexy” when it is being said by my girlfriends or construction workers.  When it comes from a man who found me on the internet, its off-putting.  I judged it and him.  I am not a priss or a prude and I can appreciate some flirtatious back and forth. 

Sending “hey sexy” as a first text seems like something you would send at 12:30am when you are scheduling your backup plan if things did not work out for you at the bar that night.  This message was sent at 11am.  It also seems immature. 

Perhaps if I knew this guy better I would not judge it so harshly.  But he should have taken that “hey, we are strangers”  into account when he sent it, right? 

My advice:  A simple “Thanks for sharing your number.  How is your day going”  would have been enough to get the momentum going.  If you really want to get to know a girl and meet her in person, keep it classy. 

Stress Free Dating

Men say that they dump a girl when things get stressful.  Here are some common stressors.

1.       Planning a vacation

2.       Graduation

3.       Starting school again

4.       Having more than one girlfriend

5.       Buying a house

6.       Getting a new job

7.       Deciding  who’s family to spend the holiday with

8.       Trying to think of an appropriate gift for the upcoming occasion (Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary, A Promotion, Valentine’s Day)
 

Most of these situations above are unavoidable.  However, you can make them less stressful.

      1.       Have more sex. 

Seriously though.  When you date with a purpose, it can be stressful.  Real life is stressful and your boyfriend/girlfriend is a part of that.  Ideally your partner can mitigate some of the stressors but sometimes they will be on that list.  When that happens, the same solution applies.

If the stress is immediate after declaring yourselves exclusive movie watching partners, that is not a good sign. 

My advice:  think of your life with and without them.  Whatever scenario gives you more peace/perceived happiness is the one you should go with. 

Interview with a Gentleman

I try to make this blog accessible to both men and women. Since I am on my soapbox sharing my opinions, I thought I would give the men in my life the opportunity to share their own viewpoints on the dating process and what their advice/rules are.

Each week we will go further and further into exploring a date from a man's point of view.

This week’s interview is with a dear friend whom I have known for about eight years. He is tall, has a fondness for berets, blond, does P90X, has a job, wonderful parents, and owns a home. He is a great catch and lives in the Denver area.

1. How do you ask a girl out? (in person, email, phone call, text <-- bad idea btw)

If it's a new girl that I just met, I will always call to set something up for 2-3 days ahead. If it's someone I know, I have no qualms about sending a text to see what's up. Get with the times, a text is no big deal. We can't get into a texting conversation, but "Drinks tonight?" is OK to open the lines of communication.

2. How do you prep for a date? (internet stalking, interview friends, launder your lucky shirt, make reservations etc)

Shower and put on some clothes with a purpose. I might call a seasoned friend for a quick bit of advice to have on the top of my mind (my friend usually tells me, "confidence" and "act like you've been here before"

3. What signals do you look for to see if she likes you? (do you really look for hair playing and arm touching?! What else has Men's Health told you?!)

Physical contact is a no brainer, touching the arm or even better a leg. Women touch close to what they want; a shoulder or arm touch means they want to get close to your heart, a leg touch means they want to get close to your penis. If the date is a dinner or something, anytime they want to continue ie grab a drink, go back to watch some tv, etc, means there is some spark. Laughing together is what it's all about. If you have that, she's probably willing to explore further into what could be.

4. How do you let a girl know you like her on a date? (open doors, compliments, whatever else that might be subtle)

Girls are insecure and they all want what they can't have. So, girls, like play dough, can be easily manipulated. I like to throw out a "negative compliment". For example, "I think it's cute how you're nose scrunches up when you laugh" or my favorite one (if you've seen her before) "Oh, I love that shirt, I think you were wearing it the last time I saw you" Get the point? Then, prolonged physical contact. If you can hold something, (leading her by the hand to the bar, or even playing a game or magic trick or something where you are touching. That prolonged touch lets her know that you're interested, and it lets you know that she's willing to touch you, at least a little bit, and sometimes all you really need is a little bit.

5. Why did you take her on a date and not just call her at bar close on a Friday? (difference between a girl that is date-able and not just f-able)

As I get older, I look for more meaning in a relationship. Sex is great, but sex with love is on a whole new level. It's very tough to find a real connection with someone, but I look to take out people that I feel there might be a connection with, or that I'm just really attracted to, but honestly with the hopes that deeper meaning might come of it. If I'm looking for someone to F after the bars on Friday, I'll text you around 2:00am.

If you have recently been on a date any great takeaways for other ladies to keep in mind on a date?

For both men and women, I encourage boldness. If you want to hold hands, then take my hand. If you want to kiss, then lean on in. Don't be lame and make it about a date; let's have some fun, be real, and hopefully we want to see more of eachother when it's over.

Any funny stories from it?

My last date was to a Vietnamese restaurant two weeks ago. There was a guy sitting alone at a table, by the cash register, wearing all black. He was looking at me from the time I walked in, so I asked him for a table for two. Turns out he didn't work there, he was just a normal Vietnamese dude who was wearing the same black as the waiters. SHE thought it was hilarious.

 

 

 

 

 

She likes me, she likes me not

How to tell if a girl likes you on a date.

In the follow up with my friend after the date with Coworker, I learned that he was unsure if I “liked” him because I did not give off the signs touted by Men’s Health or Cosmo ie playing with my hair while chatting or finding an excuse to touch his arm.  I thought I remembered a touch on his leg, which would be a little more aggressive than an arm touch, but maybe I am remembering a different date….

Regardless, here are some other signs you can look for to see if a girl is into you. 

1.       She lets you try her drink

2.       The date lasts for more than 90 minutes

3.       She is engaged in the conversation

4.       She throws out a casual innuendo. Or two.  Flirty ones, not trashy. 

5.       She uses your name in conversation
6.    She offers to pay for all or part of the date
 

First Date Story

I had a date last week.  Now that I think about it, I had two dates in one.  The date was set up by my best friend.  She sent me this email:

Coworker is 31. He is super smart and really funny. Very much into eating healthy and working out and semi obsessed with obtaining a 6 pack which we all talk about at work. He has a small sail boat that he docks in Lake Calhoun in the summers. He is somewhat of an uptown hipster but not in an overly weird annoying way. If anything, he would definitely be a fun date. 

Attached were some photos; he looked tall enough and cute enough to spend a few hours with.  After a few emails we made a plan.  He did not read my rules of planning a date, both options were close to his house.  However, since he lives in a trendy area and one of the places has been on my list of bars to check out, I was game for heading in his direction. 

I got there first and apparently there was another blind date taking place because a waitress came up to me and asked if my name was Diana.  Thankfully, Coworker arrived shortly thereafter and we started the date. 

My friend was right and I did have quite a bit in common with the coworker.  My resume came in handy and we had a lot to chat about.  The conversation flowed, appetizers were enjoyed, and for cocktail number three, we moved over  to the game area of the bar.  The main reason we went to this place was for the skee ball.  Coworker was prepared with a pocketful of quarters which earned him a bonus point as I was totally unprepared and only found pennies and dimes in the bottom of my purse.  I lost the first game by quite a few points so Coworker offered to give me some pointers on my form.  First I thought it was an excuse to check out my rearview.  It turns out that his sister is a competitive skee-baller (is that the right label?) and he actually knew what he was talking about.   The final tally of games left me the loser, but I handled that with uncharacteristic grace and feel good about my chances if there is a rematch. 

On my way home, I realized that after three hours, we had done dates one and two on the list.  Yikes.  This is moving fast.  The next date is actually date #4 from the formula, a longer dinner, but it will be taking place at a restaurant.  It should be near impossible to combine dinner with brunch, unless of course, we watch a movie after dinner. 

MILF

I found this on the internet the other day.  Men marry women who look like their mothers.

“We found that there was no perceived facial similarity between women's partners and their fathers. However, men tended to pair more often with women that were perceived as resembling the men's own mothers."

Great.  Not only do we have to worry about turning into our own mothers (love you Mom!), we need to worry about turning into his as well. 

Reader Question

I got a question from a reader the other day:

I went on a date where I have no desire to see him again. He text me later that night and said he wanted to get to know me better and I text back that I honestly didn't feel a spark, and he replied "thanks for your honesty but I usually like to give it 2 dates because people are nervous on the first date". How do you let people down gently but honestly?

 

The guy in this situation has a point, people are usually nervous on the first date.  If you cannot get over your nerves in the first twenty minutes, it is likely that you are shooting way out of your league.  You have to earn the follow up, just as you would in an audition, job interview, or sales pitch. 

 

I am just imagining the nerves the man would have on the second date, knowing that you did not feel the spark on the first date!  If you have another two hours to waste and you are feeling generous, go for it. 

 

If you do not have the time or the inclination, here is what I would suggest.  Text him back and say “Thanks for the suggestion.  I hope my honesty saves us both some time.  It was very nice to meet you and good luck on your future dates!” 

 

Please, always respond to people who follow up after a date.  Its good karma. 

The New Normal

Is there a new normal that we should be aware of?  Listen to yourself in conversation while you talk about people of the opposite sex that you may be interested in.  How often do you say something like “she/he seems pretty normal”  and then go on to talk about their normal job, normal apartment, quirky friends, admirable hobbies, and so on. 

And then when it ends it’s usually because they were either a. An Asshole or B. A bitch. 

What happens in-between time?!

In the dating process I find myself struggling to find someone that I could even say “he seems pretty normal.”  I am finding a lot of what I would judge as “losers”

Is loser the new normal?  Or is the end of the internet just a popular place for men that are not my type? 

Judging from a distance

There are men that are young at heart and then there are men that are old.

How old is too old?  I promise you can recognize “too old” from a distance.  Signs that a man is not of your generation are not always visible to the naked eye .  You will need to look deeper.

 Do not judge by hair color.  Along those same lines, do not judge by hair volume.  While there are pills and creams to reverse both of these markers of age, not all men participate in the reversal of aging on the same scale that women do.  Which is too bad, but that may be a topic for another post.

Not all old men like scotch.  They can still be seen ordering a captain and coke at a busy bar. 

The crowd in a bar at 2am has an equal chance of being made up of men over forty as it does of  men under twenty.  The men over forty are easier to entice out onto the dance floor.  They also usually have the cash on hand to get you a cab home.

The quickest way to determine age  is to engage the man in a conversation about sports.  If they reference favorite players/playoff/stadiums that played/happened/were torn down before you were born, they might be a generation or two older than you. 

If the conversation goes on long enough, you can wait for the man to reference a favorite tv show.  If that show happens to be anything that is viewable after 9pm on cable, he might be too old for you.  In today’s terms, that means if he watched Seinfeld (when it was new), Melrose Place, Dallas, Cheers, or has never heard of Gossip Girl, he may be old.  This does not mean that he falls in the “too old” category. 

If he is up past midnight and 6'1", I would give the thumbs up to at least grabbing brunch. 

The Theory

You know the joke about how men are like snowstorms?

My girlfriends and I developed this forecasting theory after years of field research.  We compiled all of our observations and notes and came up with this. 

If a man is between the height of 5’10” and 6’1” you will be guaranteed a satisfyingly sized male appendage.

 If a man is above or below these heights, it is a crapshoot.  Trends seem to dictate that there are more variations and small surprises on the taller side of the scale. 

Gentlemen.  Is there a similar theory out there for women?  I don’t envy you the surprise of finding out what is under a quality push up bra. 

FYI The research team is compiled of really nice young women.  Who talk a lot.    

Princess in Training

So, I got this message today. 

I am looking for a fun and intelligent woman, someone that have a good head on her shoulder and can be my princess, call xxx-xxx-xxxx.

I hopped right over to his profile to learn more.  He is very open about treating his women like a princess, but he does not go into details on what exactly princess treatment is.  So I emailed him:

Your profile does not have much information on it. You seem like a nice guy, What else are you looking for in a woman? How do you make her feel like a princess?

His response:

I like to take care of women and show her a good time, I want you to be yourself, if you want to talk call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx

Lame.  I wanted to hear details of oysters for breakfast and caviar for lunch.  He seems to be fishing for dirty pictures. 

Should I call and finagle myself a date?  If he offers to take me to Applebee’s, I am going to decline. 

Ask the Blogger

A reader emailed me this question:

Who picks place/date/time of the date?  If you live in different areas of town, do you have to meet in the middle? 

The logistics of dating is tough.  Obviously I have some opinions on the above questions. 

Here are the rules:

1.       A first date is not to be a hassle.

Parking, a spot to sit, and talking at a conversational volume should not be difficult at the chosen location. 

2.       The person who does the asking also needs to do the picking. Date, place, and time. 

It is allowable to put out 2-3 ideas for locations and leave the final decision up to the person who does the accepting.  When you put out the location ideas, it is polite to offer to go to the other person’s area of town.

     3.       The person accepting must not muddy the waters with even more location suggestions.  Date and time is negotiable.
 

4.       Do not double book yourself.  You will never make it to the second date or evening appointment that you scheduled.  I promise.

Personal Resume

The hardest thing about dating is that it requires you to update your resume.  You need to become interesting again.  You need hobbies and interests outside of work that you can reference for what is typically the first question on a first date:

What do you do in your spare time?

Snuggling with your cat and watching every program on ABC Family is not an acceptable answer. 

I think that each time you start over in your relationship life, it gives you an opportunity to get to know yourself better.  Since you are in total control of how you spend your time, you can actually start the hobbies you have always dreamed of! 

Last time I was single I took up ballroom dancing.  This time I am taking jewelry making classes (metal jewelry, not beading).  Another time I took up yoga (I’ve kept that one through the years).  The list goes on. 

If your boyfriend/girlfriend was your last hobby, please please please do not let that happen again

To be interesting, you need to do things that are interesting to you. 

One good resource is the community education programs that most cities offer.  You can take classes in the Mandarin language, step aerobics, belly dancing, yoga, Spanish, cooking, etc.  In my area, I am almost always the youngest class participant.  That makes me feel good about myself.   High self-esteem is important in dating.  There is nothing wrong in finding that self esteem in a belly dancing class filled with women who are north of the age of 55. 

Another resource is your friends that you do not date and it is also a good idea if they are friends who you have never watched a movie with either.  I may put together another post about dating your movie buddy, but there is an episode of SATC that covers the issues pretty thoroughly.  My point is, your friends are fun and interesting.  Start something up with them!

The most common and easiest club to start is a book club.  A book club covers a few social bases.  It gets you out of the house, it may help you meet new people, it gives you something to talk about not only on a date but other places as well!  You will be surprised how often you can mention your “current book club book”   And please, start one that actually reads the book.  They are a rare find and more respectable than the wine club version.   And the one thing you need when you are hitting the refresh button on life, is to be respectable.  And a hobby. 

What happens after you watch a movie

I was thinking of what happens after “the movie” is over and before you get your sweatpants out.  What should you have on hand to make your viewing partner comfortable? 

It depends on how you want to be perceived.  It is a fine line of being a bad host and being too prepared so you come across like you run a low budget hostel and the price of a nights stay is a 99 cent redbox movie. 

Here are some suggestions.

A frozen pizza. It’s nice to have a midnight snack. If your movie partner is someone who you would kick out of your bed for eating crackers (or pizza as the current cast may be), you might want to rethink the decision to watch a movie. 

Champagne.  Not only does it go well with frozen pizza, it might lead to a second viewing of the movie.  You know, now that you know when all of the good parts are coming. 

If you are a man, it is nice if you have a tshirt that you do not mind sharing.  A pair of basketball shorts may be nice. Both of these should come out of a drawer.  Because they are clean.

Contact solution and a case is never unwelcome.  Since I myself wear contacts, I would never put someone in the hostel owner category if they happened to keep some on hand.  Just tell me that you had laser eye surgery and never got rid of the other stuff. 

Mouthwash is welcome. Having a spare toothbrush on hand is borderline hostel owner.

Spare cash.  You just never know. 

Late. For a Very Important Date.

I was almost the star of a bad first date.  I say almost because it did end with him asking for a second date.

It all started when I agreed to go on a date that started at 5:30. I knew it was way too ambitious for me to make it to the bar by then.   Long story short, I made it there by 6:00.  In my defense I did send two text messages letting my date know about my situation. 

I got there and he waved me down.  I was a little surprised he recognized me because I was wearing glasses, which I am not wearing in any of my online photos.  Side note: he loved them.  He told me at least three times that he really, really liked my glasses.  A short while later, he covered his face with his hands, giggled, and then said “you are so pretty, I can’t believe it.”  I appreciated the sentiment, but really, what is a good response to that?  No really, I want to know what someone should say to that.  “Thank you” sounds like a bad humble brag and dismissive. 

We had quite a bit to talk about.  My date had an interesting backstory with how he grew up and was good at asking questions about my hobbies (I hate that question, it makes me feel like I am on a job interview.  I do however, have quite a few hobbies that I can talk about).  We covered the other typical first date conversation starters.  That part of the date was fine.  It was the delivery I had a problem with.   My date was a loud talker.  I have spent my adult life spying on first dates.  The last thing I want is to be spied on by the couple and their in-laws at the table next to us. I think that by the age of 34, you know if you are a loud talker.  If you are identified as one, please try to adjust your volume while on a date.  In his defense, he might have been a little lonely during those thirty minutes that he was waiting for me and found company at the bottom of his beer glass. 

The main point of me highlighting the fact that I was late for the date was to tell you the life lesson I learned because of my tardiness.  When you are late, you lose all control of the date.  There is nothing you can say when your date wants to order food or a third (fourth?) drink.  You cannot say that you have an eyebrow wax scheduled in ninety minutes.  Because you were late and you are only allowed one rude gesture per date.  That is a new rule I just made up.

My takeaway?  Do not be late.  Do not schedule a second activity on the evening of a date.  Do not let yourself think about all the other people who are listening to your conversations . 

My advice for him: lower the volume. 

It was not my last first date.  It was not the worst first date.  I do not think it will lead to bowling.  He did mention something about a comedy club though.