Interview with a Gentleman

It is time for another interview with  Gentleman.  This one comes from someone that I have been friends with for about ten years and lives in Minnesota. He currently does have a girlfriend, but as you will see from his responses, he has a lot of good insight to share with the world about relationships and dating.

1. What are you judging on the first date?

Hmmm. This may seem rude, but personally if I am on a first date with a girl then I have probably already done some judging and she has made it past my pre flight checklist. Being secure in yourself is a must. Having dealt with insecure girls in the past, indications of insecurity are the first warning signs that I look for. Showing signs of willingness to do things, maybe stepping out of their boundaries of comfort is a surefire way get me interested.

I woke up one morning with a girl who I could hardly remember from the night before. Very awkward start but the ensuing morning conversations went very well. I noted certain contextual clues and decided she might be a fun girl to spend more time with. The next week, we planned to go out on a "date". It was planned as golfing but then turned out to be cliff jumping at the last minute. I don't think I was really her type as we never went out again, but the fact that she met me prepared to go golfing and then I suggested cliff jumping (which she had never done) and made it happen by stopping at Wal Mart for some shorts and sports bra gave her HUGE points in my book. Best first date I ever had. For the record, even though we never went out again I ran into her about a year later and she mentioned how much she loved the cliff jumping date.

So to answer your question, obviously she should be well put together and keep me engaged but it’s things like a passion for something or a zest for new experiences that will get a second date.

 

2. What is your follow up procedure after a first date? (text later that night, call the next day, email three days later, whatever.)

 

First of all, I would be hoping that the follow up would consist of getting or making breakfast in the morning, but if it didn't go that well then I guess there is really no cookie cutter approach for the follow up procedure.

I think that sometimes girls may be giving guys too much credit for the meaning of whether we get back in touch that night, the next day, or in a few days. Guys really aren't that cryptic. For me, if I really enjoyed myself that night and I think that I could see myself associated with the girl for awhile, then I have been known to send a nice text that evening telling her that I really enjoyed her company and would love to see her again. That would be an absolute 10 out of 10 for the date, as in the girl really knocked me off my feet.

If the date went fairly well and I would like to see her again I'll get in touch with her over the next couple of days, but there is no game being played as to whether that is the next day or in a couple. That can all be dictated on my schedule, other intangibles in my life, etc. I am more of a phone call person myself, but can recognize if a text is appropriate. I would have to have at least a mild history with the person in order to have their email address, so I don't see that as part of the follow up procedure.

 

3. What do you really think about a girl who gives it up on the first date?

It completely depends on how it all goes down. If we are barely halfway through our second cocktail and she is grabbing my inner thigh under the table, then my mind is catapulted into getting one thing done. Will I consider it a successful date? Yes. Will I call her again? Most likely. Will I think she's a slut? Definitely. Then again, we've all been there. That place in our life were we just want to get some nookie and may not have a convenient alternative, nothing wrong with that.

I went through a period of time in my life where I pretty much only dated older women. It was great. Not only did they introduce me to some great places, but many times they would pick up the tab and it was always guaranteed action. That on top of the fact that they usually had such high involvement in the rest of their personal life that the date was really just a release and there was no drama outside of it, just a mutual understanding. Not at all emotionally fulfilling but just what I needed at the time.

Now let’s say the date goes really well. We both hit it off perfectly, things are progressing. We're already out well past the time that either one of us had planned and we end up getting physical together. Do I think this girl is a slew bag? Not at all. Regardless of whether we go out again or not at all. We had a fantastic night together and it turned a bit carnal. No negative judgment on that. The exception to this rule is if she has a boyfriend. Then, even if we had an unbelievable first date and eventually dated for a significant amount of time that seed is always planted in the back of my head. So, even if you know that you are going to break up with someone you are officially dating be sure to make that happen before you start getting down with a new partner, otherwise that will be held against you forever.

 

4. Do you carry a condom at all times?

 

No I don't. I can see why some guys do, I just never have. I keep some at home and I'm pretty sure that there are some in my car, but I just have not been one of those guys that always has them. There have definitely been instances where I wish I was one of those guys.

Also, speaking for myself, no negative thoughts on girls who keep a stock of rubbers. I think that people lose the sight line that many times it means the person is safe, smart and prepared. Not just sexually rampant.

 

6. If you have been on a date recently, any good advice for the girls that come next?

Only every cliché thing you can think of. Be able to participate and move forward the conversation.

One of the last dates that I was one was with a girl who knew my buddy’s girlfriend. She was drop dead gorgeous; we actually had a lot in common and even got into a high school style make out session. Don't let that fool you, the date sucked. Even though we shared a lot of interests and knew some of the same people, the girl could not carry on the conversation. It was like pulling teeth. So, I didn't call her again and I hear a couple of weeks later from a mutual friend that she had a great time on our date and really wanted to see me again. Sorry, not going to happen.

Share what you are passionate about. I feel that too many dates get into trying common ground to talk about. I like the opposite. If she is passionate about something that I don't know much about, it is usually very interesting. Be prepared to at least offer to split the date. Even though I would never let the date to pay unless it is strictly platonic, she also should not have the expectation that it’s going to be covered.

McJudgerson

I got a text message today from an unknown number.  This is what it said:  J 

Apparently, I received this same text from the same person on January 28^th. 
I am avoiding asking “who is this” because I really do not care. 

An emoticon does not start a conversation.  If you are texting a relative stranger, say who you are and try a traditional conversation starter with a direct call to action. 

Hi, its Ben from the bar last weekend.  How is your week going?  Do you want to grab a drink this weekend?

I am glad a stranger is having the kind of day that inspires sending J to strangers at 11:30 on a Wednesday. But… I am going to go ahead and ignore it. 

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Kissing style is a personal preference, but I think it is most heavily influenced by your first few kissing partners. 

My first kiss was with a red-head named Kyle.  We were playing basketball and he was helping me with my form and then….

There have been a few bad kissers since Kyle.  I think everyone has at least one horror story.  There was one guy who “kissed” by brushing his mouth against mine, but there was no fine movement, he moved his entire head.  From an outside view, I think it loosely resembled a passionate Hollywood-style kiss, but from my point of view it was just confusing.  He is married now and I wonder if his style ever changed.   

I saw an article on MSN yesterday.  Guys, Are you a Bad Kisser?

The tip that I linked too is the most common one that I hear from lady friends.  Just remember, as with most intimate activities: it is all about the hands. 

The other most popular preference I hear from ladies is this one.  Don't be delicate.

You should be 100% sure that a kiss is desired before pulling this move, or else it becomes a horror story for the other party. 

If you ever hear your kissing partner say “let’s try it like this” you are in trouble.  Pay attention or else you risk being talked about and imitated at the next happy hour. 

Pick Up Line

Something must be in the air here in Minnesota.  I met a nice man outside a restaurant last night.  Here is our conversation.

“Hey girl, you look nice.  Good thing you are wearing those nice boots, it is cold out!”

::Follows me into the breezeway, still smoking his cigarette::

“Girl, what’s your name, my name is Dion.”

“Hi, I’m Megan.”

“Well Megan, what size feet you got in them boots?”

“Nine’s.”

“Are they a wide nine, or really narrow?”

“Regular, I guess.”

“I bet you have those nice toes that are all the same length too.”

“Um, I think one is actually longer than the others.”

“mmmhmmm. I bet they are painted a really pretty pink too.”

“Actually, they are.”

“Well Megan, you enjoy your night and thank you for wearing those boots.”

Do you think he has a foot fetish?

Date Night

I had a date on Sunday.  It was not a first date, or even the third date.  A specific plan was never established, but the general idea involved dinner and a movie, maybe some bar games if we felt like it. 

I showed up in jeans, wellies, and a chambray button up.  My date opened the door and was wearing dress pants, a sweater, and a tie. 

Apparently he was in the mood to go someplace nice.  His thought was since “You always look nice” I did not need to be alerted to the upgrade in venue. 

Shoot.  The time I really go for casual totally backfired on me. 

We went to dinner at the fancy place and still received excellent service and delicious food.  Halfway through the bottle of wine I stopped feeling bad about my outfit. 

Word to the wise:  if you want to take your girl out to a nice place, tell her before she gets dressed. 

Pick-Up Lines

Pick up stories.  Every girl has a few that are share worthy.  Here is a new one from my library.

I was at a concert on Friday night with a group of friends.   I was chatting with some people who were part of our group.  In the middle of the chatting, one man interrupted and said: “You are fing gorgeous.  Who are you?  Are your panties dirty, because you can wash them on these...” and then lifted up his shirt to show me his 54 year old hairy beer belly and rubbed it.

My friend happened to tune into the exchange and catalogued it as (one of) The Most Amazing Moments of His Entire Life.

It does not make my list.

The bold approach is a risky one.  Keep it classy and you might have more success.   

Valentine's Day Rules

So I wrote a meandering post about Valentine’s Day, but I did not give you the rules.

Here you go.

1.       Never refer to today as “Singles Awareness Day”

2.       Women can buy flowers for men

3.       Jewelry is never a bad idea

4.       Cooking at home is better than going out

5.       Chocolate in bed should be of the candy variety, not syrup

6.       You must recognize the holiday on the 14^th even if the celebration is happening later

7.       Do not fake it

8.       Partners should be equal participants in the celebration

9.       There is no “Happy Belated Valentine’s Day” card.  Plan ahead.

10.   Do not get engaged

 

If I have left anything out, let me know below.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What would a dating blog be without recognizing a polarizing holiday about love and heartsglitterflowersdiamondsbreakfastinbedandsurprisetripstoaprivateisland.

Some people are super into Valentine’s Day, some say they are not into it—but secretly are, and then there are those who use it as a day to do all of the things they should have been doing all along. 

Today can be looked at like Halloween:  everyone is expected to dress up and participate. You can celebrate by wearing a headband with cat ears on it, or by renting a Cleopatra costume.  Both levels of participation are just fine. 

My feeling on the day are of the “headband variety.”  Today is not a big deal.  That once got miscommunicated to a reluctant boyfriend to mean that I did not want to recognize it at all.  Valentine’s Day is the same day every year.  There is time to at least buy a card and sign your name. 

Today is not a day for you to sit back and judge your partner on how much effort goes into celebrating your love.  That should be happening every day J  If you do not have a partner to judge, judge yourself on how well you love yourself. 

This year I looked forward to the holiday more than I did last year when I had a boyfriend.   If it is a day about love, why not spread it around?  I made valentines with a girlfriend and sent them out to friends and family and shared them with coworkers.   I had to pay for priority shipping to the out-of-towners because I hate going to the post office.  

Carrie Bradshaw’s famous quote is quite appropriate for today:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

I am really looking forward to a mani/pedi tonight.  By myself.   I also have champagne chilling in the fridge.  Boom.  Valentine’s Day = made. 

First Date Story

I went on a date a few weeks ago.  It was with this guy.  I will highlight the fact again that he was 24 years old. 

The plan was to go swing dancing.  To be fair, I changed the plan at the last minute.  It was 9:00 on a Thursday night and I was hungry and tired and the weather was crummy.  I called to let him know I was home from my earlier plans (not making more than a single plan in a night is a hard lesson for me to learn).  I was really hoping that we could just reschedule.  No such luck.  Being young and in undergrad means that 9:00 on a Thursday is just the start of a night.  We finally settled on him picking me up for dinner. 

He came to the door, rang my doorbell walked me to the car and shut my door for me.  We went to the restaurant and chatted.  I had wine.  He had lemonade. He played up the future doctor angle, being close with his family, the fact that he has a female roommate, his accomplishments in high school and junior league hockey, and his disappointment in not going dancing. 

Then the bill came.  I am usually pretty quick with my wallet, especially on the first date.  I must have been the fastest one at the table because my card was out and picked up by the server before my date even made a move.   I signed the bill when it came back, then my date picks it up to see the total and throws a twenty dollar bill in the middle of the table and said, “here.”  For a future doctor, his math skills were not that great. Twenty did not cover half, if that was his intention.  I said ah no, don’t worry about it, you can keep that. 

If he had put the twenty in along with my card, that would have been ok.  It would have even been kind of ok if he did not attempt to pay at all.  Throwing money on the table was not ok.  It was awkward. 

I have not heard from him since. 

Gentlemen, if you are going out with a lady and plan on either picking up the tab or contributing, do so much earlier in the payment process. 

The Talk

When to have “The TALK” is always a tricky decision.  It is usually driven by the girl in the situation.  It usually comes from insecurity.  After you have been dating with coupons and “watching movies” with someone for awhile, it is natural to want to know where you stand and if you can put a title on it to start the next steps of creating a relationship.

I have a new opinion on “The TALK.”  Do not have it.  You cannot make someone be your boyfriend.  I tried that one time and it was a disaster for the entire year it lasted. 

Be yourself and treat the relationship however you want to.  Create what you want to have by what you do.  I think that if you want to be exclusive, be exclusive yourself.  If you want to develop emotional intimacy, open yourself up to it. Tell your own story and listen for theirs.    

It goes back to the idea of not chasing someone.  If expectations come up, be honest about what you feel and what you want and expect that the other person can do the same. 

Friends Know Best

When I got dumped  my last relationship ended, none of my girlfriends were sad about it.  They were concerned with my own feelings on it, but unanimously they all said that they did not think I was happy enough in it.

Friends always know best.  If your friends do not like your boyfriend/girlfriend, you should not like your boyfriend/girlfriend.  They may kindly let you rationalize and watch the next six months with resignation, but there will be an “I told you so” coming.  Friends always know when a breakup is needed.

If you do not like your partner’s friends, you should not be dating your partner. 

When your parents said that your friends are a reflection of you, they were telling the truth.  

Friends tell all and you should always listen.