McJudgerson

Sometimes I think internet dating sites are just a giant opportunity to build my own boyfriend.  I only want to see profiles of men over 6’2”, nonsmoker, is single (hey, it is an option to pick someone who is not single) live in my city, and has graduated from at least a four year accredited college.  BTW if you fit this profile and want to grab a drink or coffee, hit the bowling lanes, visit a trendy restaurant, impress me with your cooking and then watch a movie together, leave me a comment!

 I look at all of these profiles and what I mean by “I look at all of these profiles” is that I look at all of their profile pictures.   I am judging every match by his cell phone self portrait or a badly cropped photo where I try to decide if I am cuter than the girl who’s clavicle is still in the picture. 

Is that ok?  There should be some baseline attraction, but a person is so much more than their profile picture.  Do their essay’s referencing zombies or no drama lifestyle do a person justice?  Short of emailing everyone who shows up on the search page, how do you discriminate? 

In real life it seems that couples get to know each other in every dimension.  As a result, the outer package can matter less because of what we all learned in kindergarten: It is what is inside that matters. 

Is there a way to get inside on the internet? 

Boyfriend/Girlfriend Training

One of the hardest things about breaking up is seeing all of your preferential training walk away to eventually benefit someone else.  That is a sunk cost into a relationship that you will never get back and it’s the basis of the phrase “I wasted so much time on him (or her)!”

 The skill that I find myself teaching over and over again is that of apologizing.  

 Here is the structure of a good apology.

 1.       Actually say “I am sorry.”

2.       Followed by what you are sorry for “I am sorry for being late.”

3.       Do not follow up the “what” with a “but.” “I’m sorry for being late, but there was an accident.”  Putting the word “but” after anything negates any earlier statement.  

4.       Communicate your action plan!  “I am sorry for being late, I’ll call next time.”

5.       Kiss and make up. 

6.       Quickly change the subject.

7.       Do make sure to “call next time”

 

Next time we will work on gratitude statements.  As in, all you new girlfriends of my old boyfriends can learn how to give me a sincere thank-you for teaching that guy such a valuable skill.  If they come with any other valuable skills, you can thank me for that too. 

How to conduct yourself at a bar

Here are a few quick tips that I learned at middle school dances that I think translate well to the bar scene. 

1.       Do not huddle in a large group. 

I get it, you want that cute guy across the bar (who, come on, is probably a doctor) to think you are super cool and the most popular girl at the bar.  However, you need to be accessible.  Break off into a group of no larger than three.  This also increases the chances that the doctor will buy all three of you a drink; they get a free drink to dull the pain of rejection and you get a make-out partner on the dance floor. 

 

2.       Wear an outfit that you trust. 

If you have to ask your friends to keep an eye on any part of your outfit remaining in a advantageous state,  you should change.  It is guaranteed that you will have a clothing malfunction and it will not be your friends fault. 

 

3.       Keep the drink simple, yet sophisticated.

Ok, so I did not learn that in middle school (or did I…) but please, no drink with more than two ingredients.  And those two ingredients cannot be: rum and coke.    If you are not of age to be in a bar, that drink will give you away right quick.  And if you are of age and ordering that, you are signaling that you are immature and not ready for a relationship.  Or that you are only ready for a relationship that will have a lifespan of ten hours, which is not long enough to get breakfast in the morning. 

 

Any other advice? 

 

One of these does not belong with the other…

I was on a date last week, and before I recap it, I have a great takeaway to share with all of you.  Do not go on a date on YOUR BIRTHDAY!  Do not go on a date the day after YOUR BIRTHDAY!  Do not go on a date the day before YOUR BIRTHDAY.  I found myself on a date a few  years ago on what the guy claimed was his 30^th BIRTHDAY!  It was a Tuesday night or something and I felt bad that he was on a first date on HIS BIRTHDAY.  So after our one drink and appetizer, the plan morphed into a romantic walk around a sculpture garden and then out to a bar for his favorite drink.  While there he insisted we play erotic picture match ‘em.  What was I going to say?  It was HIS BIRTHDAY.   I finally put my foot down when he asked for a birthday kiss.  On my way home I realized I should have asked to see his ID. 

If you ever find yourself in the same situation, just claim it’s your birthday too. 

I only bring that up because my date last week mentioned that his birthday was the night before.  There was some reluctance to go on the date in the first place.  Mainly because he worked out of state and was only in town on the weekends.  Therefore the date had to be on a Friday night.  Here is another takeaway for you.  Do not go on a first date on a weekend evening.  When people ask me if I am free on a Friday or Saturday night for a first date, the answer is always no.  But this time, I had to say yes if I wanted to see what dating a chef was like. 

I will save you the trouble of experiencing it for yourself.  I got no cooking tips, recipes, or restaurant secrets.   I do not think he was that impressed with my job either.  When I told him what I did he rolled his eyes and said, “You’re like the seventh girl who I’ve met that does that.  Is there like, a lot of money in that?”  Um.  Was he piling on a wage discrepancy on top of a recent birthday to get me to pick up the tab on our Friday night date?  Whatever.  It worked.  I paid and left. 

 

Formula for Success

Admittedly it’s been a while since I have been on five dates with an individual.  This is the formula I have observed.

1^st date: Cocktails (or coffee)

2^nd date: Bowling (I now own my own bowling ball)

3^rd date: Brunch

4^th date: Fancier dinner, usually out, it can also be prepared at home

5^th date:  "Watch a movie" at either of your houses

After that I would say that you have yourself a boyfriend and free rein to wear nothing but yoga clothes and eat takeout while watching Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo together. 

Does anyone have any additions to the formula? 

Does anyone need a non-formulaic suggestion?