The Spark Theory

The Spark Theory is the idea that something intangible must exist between two people to create something worth nurturing.  

A spark is the feeling you get when you see their number pop up on your phone, as they walk into your house, or when you physically connect. 

There is a journey to falling in love, but a spark is needed to start lighting the path.  Attraction is not borne of a checklist or proximity.  Emotional fulfillment does not come from “winning” someone.  

Married people explain it as “I just knew.” 

Sparks can leave scars but you cannot have the fire/passion/warmth of a relationship without them. 

Friends with Benefits Part II

People have asked me to clarify what some rules are for a friendship with benefits. 

I cannot stress enough: This is not a stand-in boyfriend/girlfriend. 

You do not take them to weddings, office parties, or birthday parties. 

The only time they may meet your friends is if they are picking you up from the bar.  Even then, contact should be limited. 

Eat before you meet.  Dinner is rarely had together unless you have not eaten all day and need a cowboy burger to have the energy necessary for later.

There is no breakfast in the morning.  You can pick up coffee on your way home.  However a bottle of Gatorade is acceptable to swipe from the fridge.

Weeknight rendez-vous are for desperate times and should not be a habit. 

No regular patterns for visits should be established.

Text with a purpose. Do not just text to say hello, be ready to get together once you start the conversation.

The gag order that comes with marriage or a LTR does not apply.

You guys are friends.  Treat each other as such.  Do not be an asshole.  Do not be a bitch.  

Follow these rules and things should be fine.  If you have other rules to add to the list, put them below in the comments. 

Interview with a Gentleman

It is time for another look into a man’s point of view.  I went back to my friend from Denver to get his perspective on some common dating questions. 

1.What are your rules for a first date?

RULES: Go somewhere unique and fun where you can talk (not dinner and a movie). Usually something casual, even a walk around the park or the zoo (my favorite first date, plus I love the zoo). If it's something small, I will always pay...even if it's something bigger I guess. However, times are modern, and if a girl offers to split it with me, I will allow that, and I take it as a very positive sign. If she offers to pay or to participate (splitting, paying for ice cream, etc) it means that she was raised well and won't be sucking you dry the whole "relationship". I always dress nice, but I don't go outside of my comfort zone. For the most part, what you see right away is what you're going to get. On that note, I'll throw out a test dirty joke or off colored comment to see how she reacts. My girl will be appalled but tolerant of my dirty mind.

 

2. How soon do you know you want to kiss a girl on a date?

How soon do I KNOW?? Immediately. First things first is a physical connection. I like a kiss at the end of the night, half mouth, half cheek. Let's you feel if it is smooth and easy, or awkward (you can't tell a whole lot from a half kiss), tells her that you want to be phyiscal, but that you don't need it and aren't looking for it tonight (see my research in the post "girls want what they can't have" Also, half kisses is the easiest segway to a full kiss. Then you're naked.

3. Who does the follow up after the first date?

I think it's really nice, if you had a good time, to call the next day to say you had a fun time. Whether or not you intend to ask for another date at that time, it's nice to at least say you had fun, the next day. The girl can do it too, and the girl can also ask for the date. Again, times are modern. I love it when a girl takes my hand on a date or calls me up with a fun plan. Two way street, bitches.

4. Why do you go out on a second date?

1. There was a spark; 2. You almost sealed the deal, and you need one more try; 3. It seems like you two should be clicking, but you're still not sure; 4. You need a date for an event or something that you need to keep her on the line for.

5.Have you ever tried to pick up a woman at the grocery store?

No :-). Flirted plenty. I was talking to this hot chick once, and her nerd boyfriend didn't notice until her turned to her and asked (in the nerdiest voice) "should we try a different brand today?" I laughed and left.

 

Friends with Benefits

Friends with Bennefits.  Friends with Bennies.  FWB. 

A good friend is hard to find.  A good friend with benefits is even harder to find. 

This is a grey area for a lot of people.  Sex without dating is pretty great, but it is not the greatest thing ever.  Real dating gets you a plus one invitation and a built in companion to the opera and Sunday family dinners.  A FWB gets you laid on the weekend and the occasional weeknight. 

It is easier to transition a friend to a FWB than it is to transition someone who you have gone on a few dates with.  When dating comes first, the expectations will always be different for at least one of you.  Someone who has a crush on you does not make a beneficial friend. 

I think that access to this friend can keep you from making dumb decisions with other men or women.  The FWB is a placeholder, but they are taking one of the more pleasant spot available in your life. 

If the friend makes you sleep in the unheated attic playroom because there is a king sized bed there, but refuses to share body heat during the night, keep looking. 

Saying Yes

In the spirit of saying “yes” I have started giving out my phone number more when I am at a bar out and about.  Here is a story about what can happen when you give out your number to strangers. 

My phone rang on Monday night around 6:30.  Since I get a lot of work calls forwarded to my cell phone, I picked it up. 

“Hello, this is Megan.” Super professional.

“Hey Megan, how’s it going?” Friendly, feels more like a social call. 

 “Doing well, just on my way home from work, how are you?”  Buying time and trying to get a clue about who this is.

“Yeah, just heading home from class, I had a lab today, blah blah blah.”  Yeah, I have no idea who this is.

I kept asking questions so I did not have to embarrass myself  by asking “wait, who is this?” five minutes into the phone call.  I found myself admitting that I was free the next night.  To a total stranger.

He asked if we could go swing dancing for our date. Ding ding ding!  It was one of my dance partners from NYE.  He looked like Brad Pitt from 1993 and had his face painted like an Avatar (it was a thing at the bar that nhight) and he danced like he was in the movie Strictly Ballroom.  Oh, and he is 24.  

I had ignored a text from him earlier this week asking the same question.  But then I realized that when a man invites you out dancing, you should say yes.