You + Me = We

When things are new with a relationship, you can look for signs that this is going to last.  Any phrase with a “we” in it puts rainbows in your eyes. 

“We can have a Channing Tatum movie marathon next time. Tonight let’s watch The Campaign.” 

“I heard about a new restaurant, we should check it out sometime.

“I told my mom I was busy tonight because we had plans already to hang out.”

When there are a lot of rainbows floating around it can be hard to see anything else.  Do you know what you should be looking for?  The actual activities/events/things that have been referenced in the rainbow phrases.  Do you have a Channing Tatum movie night?  Do you check out that new restaurant?  Or do you continue to see each other after 8pm with no real agenda besides “watching a movie.”   

Anyone can make a promise or pretend to plan ahead.  They may even mean it at the time.  A person with real interest will follow through.

If you hear a “we” phrase and it makes you puke a little in your mouth you should start practicing your breakup speech.   

Words to Live By

I saw this gem of a quote on a blog the other day:

Do not chase people.  Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Wu Tang

Let’s break it down.

1.       Do not chase people.  In other words, no means no.  Not calling you means no.  Saying they are not ready for a relationship right now means no.  Not meeting up with you at the bar until 1am means no.  Not ever meeting his friends means no.  Review the words and actions of the person you are interested in and react accordingly. 

2.       Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  Cliché time— be yourself!  You cannot make someone like you.  This is tricky because new people can introduce you to new things and you may like these new things.  That is ok.  What is not ok is foregoing the things that made you you in the first place.  Do not start bashing The Bachelor just because your new boyfriend thinks it and everyone who watches it is stupid.  If the other person does not get the tingles when they think about you, nothing you do, wear, or say will change that. 

 

3.       The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Think about your longtime friends.  They know you and still like you!  They have stayed in your life because there is genuine emotion and comfort in the relationship.  Think about your relationships that have failed.  Chances are high that the failure can be attributed to “growing apart” and not being able or comfortable to be yourself. 

Internet Research

I read this article the other day:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/12/121210133509.htm

It explores the dynamic of real adult relationships vs an adult/child model.  It’s a good read. 

Here’s a quick summary:

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as "avoidant" when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was "clingy," for example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. "Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm -- including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues."

I would say that if a person describes the end of all past relationships as the fault of the other person being too clingy, you have caught one of the 22.4%.  And if that is why you have called things off with every partner, get yourself some therapy. 

Inbox Gem

All girls get a lot of message activity when they are on a dating site.  Here is a recent gem from my inbox.

A date with you would make my life complete. 

This was all he said.  I picture him copying and pasting that line twenty times a night for every profile that comes up as a match. 

This is an excerpt from his profile: I’m going to need you to be interesting and attractive. 

I am tempted to ask him how this is working for him.

Eight Years Later

On New Years Eve I was out with a few girlfriends wooping it up at a local bar.  The drinks were delicious.  The music was danceable.  The crowd was tolerable, which is saying a lot since it was NYE. 

I was the only single one in the group, which is not unusual at my age.  One man at the end of the bar caught the eye of a lady in my party.  He was tall, dark haired, dressed in three piece suit, and had a fabulous mustache.   My friend insisted that I go dance with him in her proxy.

I was eyeing him up and he winked at me.  That’s an invitation to approach, so I walked over. 

“Megan!  Holy shit! I can’t believe this,  I haven’t seen you in, what, like eight years?”

Oh My God.  How awkward.  I thought this man was a stranger.  And he was to me because I had no idea who he was. 

And then I remembered.  I had slept with him. A few times.  Eight years ago. 

I remembered him as a tall, skinny, emo/punk who wore black skinny jeans and studded belts and had a faux hawk before they were called such.  Lucky for me, I also then remembered his name.

While dancing and reminiscing, he told me I looked the exact same.  I decided to let it be a compliment. 

Then he asked me, “Are you breasts as perfect as I remember?”

I was drunk enough to laugh it off and assure him that they were likely even better, but even in that state I knew that that stupid question was going to prevent him from seeing for himself. 

Blah blah blah, the night went on, there was more dancing with my friends and other (true) strangers. I got back to the hotel with my friends  and got these text messages: 

Him: That shit crazy!

Me: No kidding

Him: Send nudez

Him: I forgot what they look like.

Me: Sounds like it will stay that way.  Happy New Year. 

Regrets are useless.  However, you can make sure not to make the same mistakes twice.