Internet Research

I read this article the other day:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/12/121210133509.htm

It explores the dynamic of real adult relationships vs an adult/child model.  It’s a good read. 

Here’s a quick summary:

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as "avoidant" when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was "clingy," for example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. "Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm -- including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues."

I would say that if a person describes the end of all past relationships as the fault of the other person being too clingy, you have caught one of the 22.4%.  And if that is why you have called things off with every partner, get yourself some therapy. 

Eight Years Later

On New Years Eve I was out with a few girlfriends wooping it up at a local bar.  The drinks were delicious.  The music was danceable.  The crowd was tolerable, which is saying a lot since it was NYE. 

I was the only single one in the group, which is not unusual at my age.  One man at the end of the bar caught the eye of a lady in my party.  He was tall, dark haired, dressed in three piece suit, and had a fabulous mustache.   My friend insisted that I go dance with him in her proxy.

I was eyeing him up and he winked at me.  That’s an invitation to approach, so I walked over. 

“Megan!  Holy shit! I can’t believe this,  I haven’t seen you in, what, like eight years?”

Oh My God.  How awkward.  I thought this man was a stranger.  And he was to me because I had no idea who he was. 

And then I remembered.  I had slept with him. A few times.  Eight years ago. 

I remembered him as a tall, skinny, emo/punk who wore black skinny jeans and studded belts and had a faux hawk before they were called such.  Lucky for me, I also then remembered his name.

While dancing and reminiscing, he told me I looked the exact same.  I decided to let it be a compliment. 

Then he asked me, “Are you breasts as perfect as I remember?”

I was drunk enough to laugh it off and assure him that they were likely even better, but even in that state I knew that that stupid question was going to prevent him from seeing for himself. 

Blah blah blah, the night went on, there was more dancing with my friends and other (true) strangers. I got back to the hotel with my friends  and got these text messages: 

Him: That shit crazy!

Me: No kidding

Him: Send nudez

Him: I forgot what they look like.

Me: Sounds like it will stay that way.  Happy New Year. 

Regrets are useless.  However, you can make sure not to make the same mistakes twice. 

 

Dating Dictionary

More.   Adjective.  

An abbreviation of the phrase “Man-Whore.”

Use it in a sentence:

I could tell he was a More by his dance moves.

He was such a More, he only called me after bar close. 

We all know More’s and maybe we even love them.  Just be careful. 

How to pick 'em

Some things you know intrinsically and some things you learn through trial and error. 
 

To save all of you some precious time while you are on the dating merry go round, just waiting for the right stallion to come along, here are some lesser known signs that point to good boyfriend  potential:

1.       He has had a girlfriend for more than nine months within the last eighteen months.  See my post below on the theory of who makes a good lover.

2.       He cooks dinner for himself every night and packs a lunch for work.  Hello.   A man who cooks for himself can easily cook for two. 

3.       He has sisters.  Therefore he knows how to survive while living with a girl. 

4.       The sink is clean in his bathroom.  Explains itself.

5.       He does not consistently speak with all of his exs, but doesn’t hate them either.

6.       He has a pet.  Therefore he has the capacity to love unconditionally.

7.       There is artwork hung in his home.  Think of the honey-do list. 

8.       He still wants to hang out when you are not feeling well.

9.       You are torn between wanting to talk to him and wanting to watch movies make out with him. 

10. He knows that no means no and yes means OHMYGODLETSDOITRIGHTNOWOHGODYESYESYES
 

If you have picked up on other tell tale signs of a good boyfriend, please share them!

Another Theory

This post is the only time you will see the words “shorter, smaller, quicker” on my blog in reference to being a good thing for men in bed. 

My girlfriends and I have a new theory.   You may remember the last theory I shared with you here.

Men who have been in long term relationships are better lovers. 

Women always start out a physical relationship by telling lies (ohhh,  that was amazing ) in bed.  When a man starts hearing phrases suggested by magazine headlines such as, “Let’s try it like this” you know the secrets to her universe are being revealed. 

The ladies I talked to have found that the training and learning curve is much shorter, smaller, and quicker for men who have had a long term, monogamous, relationship.  A serial dater likely will not know the difference between performance art and genuine success no matter how many “day dates” they have been on. 

You might still tell a few lies in the beginning, but at least you are farther along in the training process.

* A special ‘Thank You’ goes out to the ladies who tossed those well trained men back into the dating pool. 

First Date Story

I had a blind date on Monday.  Shocking I know.  This one was set up by our respective sisters who were neighbors for two weeks in this hospital with new babies.  Apparently they spent some time talking about their siblings and thought we should meet. 

I sent The Brother a quick email introducing myself.  I kept it vague but did reference a little of my resume: I enjoy checking out different places and events around town and I have some hobbies that keep me busy. I am pretty active during the week after work and use the weekend to recharge, though I am not opposed to weekend plans either. Oh, and I have a cat named Dolly. Let me know if you want to learn more or if you'd like to jump right in and plan a date.

Luckily, he wanted to jump right in.  We arranged to meet at a hotel bar halfway between our respective workplaces.  In this part of town, there is not much else to choose from.  The date had gotten there first (early) and gotten us a table in the back.  Since the bar was empty, the hostess very sweetly came up to me and asked if I was Megan let me know my date was waiting for me in the third booth.  Thanks hostess.  I could not have found him on my own. 

The date went along pretty smoothly.  Conversation was typical of a first date.  I was thankful for that because I really knew nothing about him.  We chatted about our sisters, new nieces, work, favorite restaurants, college,  wine tasting, hobbies, sibling dynamics, the upcoming holidays, and books. A nice thing I learned is that he is close with his family, particularly with his two younger sisters.  I think that it is more telling to look at how a man treats his sisters, rather than his mother, to see how he would treat a girlfriend.  Sisters can educate a brother on how the world works for women which can really cut down on the boyfriend training when you choose one of these men. 

I broke my own dating rule and had double booked myself with a second social commitment later that night.  Ninety minutes is long enough to budget for a first date so I did not feel too bad about having a set end time.  I was actually on-time for the date, so do not worry, no one got cheated. 

I was glad I got to meet this guy and I was thankful to my sister for thinking of my dating life while she had her hands full with many other things.  I found myself in the same quandary a reader had a few weeks ago; I am not feeling a romantic spark, and I have enough friends; do I invest in a second date? 

My tips for him:  Keep it up.  Do not be so nervous.   Try to reference your sisters even more frequently so your date knows that you are really that good of a brother and therefore prospective boyfriend.  

Judging from a distance

There are men that are young at heart and then there are men that are old.

How old is too old?  I promise you can recognize “too old” from a distance.  Signs that a man is not of your generation are not always visible to the naked eye .  You will need to look deeper.

 Do not judge by hair color.  Along those same lines, do not judge by hair volume.  While there are pills and creams to reverse both of these markers of age, not all men participate in the reversal of aging on the same scale that women do.  Which is too bad, but that may be a topic for another post.

Not all old men like scotch.  They can still be seen ordering a captain and coke at a busy bar. 

The crowd in a bar at 2am has an equal chance of being made up of men over forty as it does of  men under twenty.  The men over forty are easier to entice out onto the dance floor.  They also usually have the cash on hand to get you a cab home.

The quickest way to determine age  is to engage the man in a conversation about sports.  If they reference favorite players/playoff/stadiums that played/happened/were torn down before you were born, they might be a generation or two older than you. 

If the conversation goes on long enough, you can wait for the man to reference a favorite tv show.  If that show happens to be anything that is viewable after 9pm on cable, he might be too old for you.  In today’s terms, that means if he watched Seinfeld (when it was new), Melrose Place, Dallas, Cheers, or has never heard of Gossip Girl, he may be old.  This does not mean that he falls in the “too old” category. 

If he is up past midnight and 6'1", I would give the thumbs up to at least grabbing brunch. 

The Theory

You know the joke about how men are like snowstorms?

My girlfriends and I developed this forecasting theory after years of field research.  We compiled all of our observations and notes and came up with this. 

If a man is between the height of 5’10” and 6’1” you will be guaranteed a satisfyingly sized male appendage.

 If a man is above or below these heights, it is a crapshoot.  Trends seem to dictate that there are more variations and small surprises on the taller side of the scale. 

Gentlemen.  Is there a similar theory out there for women?  I don’t envy you the surprise of finding out what is under a quality push up bra. 

FYI The research team is compiled of really nice young women.  Who talk a lot.