Internet Research

Great news ladies.

61% of men say they do not care if you shave your legs!!!!!

However this is the question that was asked:

So let’s say you hook up with a woman you like a lot, but she has a few days’ worth of stubble on her legs.

The caviat is that the man does not care, as long as he already likes you. However, if he does not "like you a lot" shaving your legs may be good insurance.

It can be a good barometer for guys too, if a girl has not shaved her legs, she probably does not "like you a lot" either.

Paying for Dates

As I mention in many of my date posts, I pay for the first date.  Why is this?  Mainly it is because I am quick with my credit card and none of my dates has protested overmuch. 

When I got ready to pay on my last date, he asked me if paying made me more comfortable.  I admitted it did, but what I left out is that paying allows me to feel more comfortable with never contacting the man again.  Paying for a date is a power play.  It also signifies that I can actually pay for my own dinner/drinks/movie/bowling/brunch/triptothezoo.  That way it is clear that if he has his ish together I am not in it for the money, and if he does not have his ish together and has saved up for our date all week, he can blow the money at the bar on Friday and drown his sorrows when I do not call him back. 

Whoever pays for the first date has the control.  The other person is immediately in a bit of a debt to the pay-er 

So.  Gentlemen.  Pay for the date. Do not protest, just get the server’s attention and make sure the tab goes on your credit card.  If you get there first, give your card to the server so the bill comes right to you and there is no question that you are taking care of it.

I have gone out on second dates when the man paid for the first.  I have not gone out on second dates when I paid for the first. 

Date Night

I had a date on Sunday.  It was not a first date, or even the third date.  A specific plan was never established, but the general idea involved dinner and a movie, maybe some bar games if we felt like it. 

I showed up in jeans, wellies, and a chambray button up.  My date opened the door and was wearing dress pants, a sweater, and a tie. 

Apparently he was in the mood to go someplace nice.  His thought was since “You always look nice” I did not need to be alerted to the upgrade in venue. 

Shoot.  The time I really go for casual totally backfired on me. 

We went to dinner at the fancy place and still received excellent service and delicious food.  Halfway through the bottle of wine I stopped feeling bad about my outfit. 

Word to the wise:  if you want to take your girl out to a nice place, tell her before she gets dressed. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

What would a dating blog be without recognizing a polarizing holiday about love and heartsglitterflowersdiamondsbreakfastinbedandsurprisetripstoaprivateisland.

Some people are super into Valentine’s Day, some say they are not into it—but secretly are, and then there are those who use it as a day to do all of the things they should have been doing all along. 

Today can be looked at like Halloween:  everyone is expected to dress up and participate. You can celebrate by wearing a headband with cat ears on it, or by renting a Cleopatra costume.  Both levels of participation are just fine. 

My feeling on the day are of the “headband variety.”  Today is not a big deal.  That once got miscommunicated to a reluctant boyfriend to mean that I did not want to recognize it at all.  Valentine’s Day is the same day every year.  There is time to at least buy a card and sign your name. 

Today is not a day for you to sit back and judge your partner on how much effort goes into celebrating your love.  That should be happening every day J  If you do not have a partner to judge, judge yourself on how well you love yourself. 

This year I looked forward to the holiday more than I did last year when I had a boyfriend.   If it is a day about love, why not spread it around?  I made valentines with a girlfriend and sent them out to friends and family and shared them with coworkers.   I had to pay for priority shipping to the out-of-towners because I hate going to the post office.  

Carrie Bradshaw’s famous quote is quite appropriate for today:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

I am really looking forward to a mani/pedi tonight.  By myself.   I also have champagne chilling in the fridge.  Boom.  Valentine’s Day = made. 

The Talk

When to have “The TALK” is always a tricky decision.  It is usually driven by the girl in the situation.  It usually comes from insecurity.  After you have been dating with coupons and “watching movies” with someone for awhile, it is natural to want to know where you stand and if you can put a title on it to start the next steps of creating a relationship.

I have a new opinion on “The TALK.”  Do not have it.  You cannot make someone be your boyfriend.  I tried that one time and it was a disaster for the entire year it lasted. 

Be yourself and treat the relationship however you want to.  Create what you want to have by what you do.  I think that if you want to be exclusive, be exclusive yourself.  If you want to develop emotional intimacy, open yourself up to it. Tell your own story and listen for theirs.    

It goes back to the idea of not chasing someone.  If expectations come up, be honest about what you feel and what you want and expect that the other person can do the same. 

Interview with a Gentleman

Next in my series of interviews is a good friend who lives on the East Coast. He is 28, a middle child, owns his own place, wears great jeans, is the star player of a championship intramural basketball team, and has a strong dislike for PDA.

1.What are you judging on the first date?

Men judge...everything. The man should pick the first date location and as soon as they get together everyone is being judged, man & woman. Most important would be conversation topics; is she interesting? If she's not interesting, it'll quickly either become a short term engagement (sex), or, quickly wrap up. One slip up can ruin everything, so don't let the guard down.

2. What is your follow up procedure after a first date?

Depends on how the date went. A real good date is always great to follow-up with a "had a really great time tonight; hope to see you again soon" text. (At this point texting is ok, prior to first date texting is off-limits unless the woman initiates it). The days of playing games are over - so waiting a few days to call the girl is passé' -what are you waiting for? If you liked her and want to hang out again; why wait? Unless you're playing games and just want to hook up.

3. What do you really think about a girl who gives it up on the first date?

Most guys don't judge on this one way or another, although if you have sex on the first date all of their friends will know. (i.e. the only question a guy's guy friend asks him after a date "did you f*ck her?" don’t be offended, but that’s pretty much the extent of the conversation amongst men regarding their dates). Sex on a first date opens you up to a guy just hooking up with you and not calling again; but you should know if it went really well or not and then go from there. Looking at it separately, a girl that makes out with someone on the first date in public; big time turn-off & long-term issues. French-kissing on the dance floor or anywhere - ain't gonna work. Most of this stuff should take place in private. If a chick is making out with you in public, she's making out with other people in public. Can't be marrying that.

4. Do you carry a condom at all times?

Never, anyone carrying a condom is a douche-bag. Run from these men. Also, girls shouldn’t have condoms at their house; it makes them look like a slut. (never tell someone "it's ok, I have condoms") - for me, big time turn-off (unless she has a boyfriend and this is a sexual fling...then it makes sense that she has condoms). If no condoms at your house suck it up and don't have sex. If the first or second date goes really well there's plenty of stuff to do without sex, and for sure he'll come better prepared next time.

5. If you have been on a date recently, any good advice for the girls that come next?

Drink & have fun. Let the guy pick up the tab for dinner & early drinks, but there's nothing better than once you treat a girl right having her say 'let's grab a nightcap on me'. Guys should pay for most, but a girl who is confident, successful, and generous are hard to find and a big time turn on.

 

Interview with a Gentleman

It is time for another look into a man’s point of view.  I went back to my friend from Denver to get his perspective on some common dating questions. 

1.What are your rules for a first date?

RULES: Go somewhere unique and fun where you can talk (not dinner and a movie). Usually something casual, even a walk around the park or the zoo (my favorite first date, plus I love the zoo). If it's something small, I will always pay...even if it's something bigger I guess. However, times are modern, and if a girl offers to split it with me, I will allow that, and I take it as a very positive sign. If she offers to pay or to participate (splitting, paying for ice cream, etc) it means that she was raised well and won't be sucking you dry the whole "relationship". I always dress nice, but I don't go outside of my comfort zone. For the most part, what you see right away is what you're going to get. On that note, I'll throw out a test dirty joke or off colored comment to see how she reacts. My girl will be appalled but tolerant of my dirty mind.

 

2. How soon do you know you want to kiss a girl on a date?

How soon do I KNOW?? Immediately. First things first is a physical connection. I like a kiss at the end of the night, half mouth, half cheek. Let's you feel if it is smooth and easy, or awkward (you can't tell a whole lot from a half kiss), tells her that you want to be phyiscal, but that you don't need it and aren't looking for it tonight (see my research in the post "girls want what they can't have" Also, half kisses is the easiest segway to a full kiss. Then you're naked.

3. Who does the follow up after the first date?

I think it's really nice, if you had a good time, to call the next day to say you had a fun time. Whether or not you intend to ask for another date at that time, it's nice to at least say you had fun, the next day. The girl can do it too, and the girl can also ask for the date. Again, times are modern. I love it when a girl takes my hand on a date or calls me up with a fun plan. Two way street, bitches.

4. Why do you go out on a second date?

1. There was a spark; 2. You almost sealed the deal, and you need one more try; 3. It seems like you two should be clicking, but you're still not sure; 4. You need a date for an event or something that you need to keep her on the line for.

5.Have you ever tried to pick up a woman at the grocery store?

No :-). Flirted plenty. I was talking to this hot chick once, and her nerd boyfriend didn't notice until her turned to her and asked (in the nerdiest voice) "should we try a different brand today?" I laughed and left.

 

You + Me = We

When things are new with a relationship, you can look for signs that this is going to last.  Any phrase with a “we” in it puts rainbows in your eyes. 

“We can have a Channing Tatum movie marathon next time. Tonight let’s watch The Campaign.” 

“I heard about a new restaurant, we should check it out sometime.

“I told my mom I was busy tonight because we had plans already to hang out.”

When there are a lot of rainbows floating around it can be hard to see anything else.  Do you know what you should be looking for?  The actual activities/events/things that have been referenced in the rainbow phrases.  Do you have a Channing Tatum movie night?  Do you check out that new restaurant?  Or do you continue to see each other after 8pm with no real agenda besides “watching a movie.”   

Anyone can make a promise or pretend to plan ahead.  They may even mean it at the time.  A person with real interest will follow through.

If you hear a “we” phrase and it makes you puke a little in your mouth you should start practicing your breakup speech.   

Interview with a Gentleman

I wanted to learn more about romance, so I went to a good friend of mine and asked some simple questions. This gentleman is my go-to for answers on men and what is real and what is likely my crazy talking. 1.       Is romance dead? Is there any way for it to be not corny?
Romance is not dead at all. You can always find a unique way to show feelings. Sometimes romance can just be learning something new about each other. Romance is what you make it. If all you think of are movies, chances are it will be cheesy. Cheesy can be ok, but be sure to have wine and lingerie.

2. Who's job is it to be romantic? (for sure the man or for sure the woman's or eww romance)
Romance should not be a job. I learned long ago when you think of things as a job, you dread the work. Think of it as an adventure. When you are trekking through the jungle you both are scouting out new places and the scenery. Watch out for lions, tigers and bears.

3. What qualifies for a romantic gesture in your (a man’s mind)? (ie what do you do that you feel is romantic, and what has a woman done for you that has felt romantic)
To me,  romantic gestures can be simple as good morning and listing to the day-to-day life. However, we all want something bigger. I say something out of the normal routine is your best bet to make a lasting impression. Think of something you have not done, or have not done in awhile, and do it. My most memorable romantic gesture was a simple weekend trip. It was a trip to spend time together  with no agenda or people to see. Simply taking in the scenery and enjoying the moment and each other.

4.Do you appreciate when a woman does a romantic gesture, grand or otherwise?
I can appreciate a romantic gesture. Cards, notes and texts can go a long way.  

5.Any romantic stories that just make you cringe looking back on it now?
We all are young and learn from trial and error. Always get a second opinion before going through with a grand gesture. We all are better off with a reality check.  That is all I am going to say about that. 

 

How to pick 'em

Some things you know intrinsically and some things you learn through trial and error. 
 

To save all of you some precious time while you are on the dating merry go round, just waiting for the right stallion to come along, here are some lesser known signs that point to good boyfriend  potential:

1.       He has had a girlfriend for more than nine months within the last eighteen months.  See my post below on the theory of who makes a good lover.

2.       He cooks dinner for himself every night and packs a lunch for work.  Hello.   A man who cooks for himself can easily cook for two. 

3.       He has sisters.  Therefore he knows how to survive while living with a girl. 

4.       The sink is clean in his bathroom.  Explains itself.

5.       He does not consistently speak with all of his exs, but doesn’t hate them either.

6.       He has a pet.  Therefore he has the capacity to love unconditionally.

7.       There is artwork hung in his home.  Think of the honey-do list. 

8.       He still wants to hang out when you are not feeling well.

9.       You are torn between wanting to talk to him and wanting to watch movies make out with him. 

10. He knows that no means no and yes means OHMYGODLETSDOITRIGHTNOWOHGODYESYESYES
 

If you have picked up on other tell tale signs of a good boyfriend, please share them!

Tick Tock

I saw this during my internet browsing today:

If You Don’t Want to Really Kiss Her Two Hours in…

…there’s probably no love connection. I know that it can take women two or three dates to feel chemistry. We [men] don’t work that way. You should really want to kiss her, and if you don’t, it’s not a crime. Just be nice and enjoy the conversation.

WHAT?!  

I do not think of kissing until the second date.  There are exceptions but those exceptions usually occur on a night when you knock boots all five dates off the list. 

So.  I guess the first impression really is everything on a first date.   

My takeaway?  Be sure that you impress in less.    

 

She likes me, she likes me not

How to tell if a girl likes you on a date.

In the follow up with my friend after the date with Coworker, I learned that he was unsure if I “liked” him because I did not give off the signs touted by Men’s Health or Cosmo ie playing with my hair while chatting or finding an excuse to touch his arm.  I thought I remembered a touch on his leg, which would be a little more aggressive than an arm touch, but maybe I am remembering a different date….

Regardless, here are some other signs you can look for to see if a girl is into you. 

1.       She lets you try her drink

2.       The date lasts for more than 90 minutes

3.       She is engaged in the conversation

4.       She throws out a casual innuendo. Or two.  Flirty ones, not trashy. 

5.       She uses your name in conversation
6.    She offers to pay for all or part of the date
 

MILF

I found this on the internet the other day.  Men marry women who look like their mothers.

“We found that there was no perceived facial similarity between women's partners and their fathers. However, men tended to pair more often with women that were perceived as resembling the men's own mothers."

Great.  Not only do we have to worry about turning into our own mothers (love you Mom!), we need to worry about turning into his as well. 

Ask the Blogger

A reader emailed me this question:

Who picks place/date/time of the date?  If you live in different areas of town, do you have to meet in the middle? 

The logistics of dating is tough.  Obviously I have some opinions on the above questions. 

Here are the rules:

1.       A first date is not to be a hassle.

Parking, a spot to sit, and talking at a conversational volume should not be difficult at the chosen location. 

2.       The person who does the asking also needs to do the picking. Date, place, and time. 

It is allowable to put out 2-3 ideas for locations and leave the final decision up to the person who does the accepting.  When you put out the location ideas, it is polite to offer to go to the other person’s area of town.

     3.       The person accepting must not muddy the waters with even more location suggestions.  Date and time is negotiable.
 

4.       Do not double book yourself.  You will never make it to the second date or evening appointment that you scheduled.  I promise.

Personal Resume

The hardest thing about dating is that it requires you to update your resume.  You need to become interesting again.  You need hobbies and interests outside of work that you can reference for what is typically the first question on a first date:

What do you do in your spare time?

Snuggling with your cat and watching every program on ABC Family is not an acceptable answer. 

I think that each time you start over in your relationship life, it gives you an opportunity to get to know yourself better.  Since you are in total control of how you spend your time, you can actually start the hobbies you have always dreamed of! 

Last time I was single I took up ballroom dancing.  This time I am taking jewelry making classes (metal jewelry, not beading).  Another time I took up yoga (I’ve kept that one through the years).  The list goes on. 

If your boyfriend/girlfriend was your last hobby, please please please do not let that happen again

To be interesting, you need to do things that are interesting to you. 

One good resource is the community education programs that most cities offer.  You can take classes in the Mandarin language, step aerobics, belly dancing, yoga, Spanish, cooking, etc.  In my area, I am almost always the youngest class participant.  That makes me feel good about myself.   High self-esteem is important in dating.  There is nothing wrong in finding that self esteem in a belly dancing class filled with women who are north of the age of 55. 

Another resource is your friends that you do not date and it is also a good idea if they are friends who you have never watched a movie with either.  I may put together another post about dating your movie buddy, but there is an episode of SATC that covers the issues pretty thoroughly.  My point is, your friends are fun and interesting.  Start something up with them!

The most common and easiest club to start is a book club.  A book club covers a few social bases.  It gets you out of the house, it may help you meet new people, it gives you something to talk about not only on a date but other places as well!  You will be surprised how often you can mention your “current book club book”   And please, start one that actually reads the book.  They are a rare find and more respectable than the wine club version.   And the one thing you need when you are hitting the refresh button on life, is to be respectable.  And a hobby. 

Formula for Success

Admittedly it’s been a while since I have been on five dates with an individual.  This is the formula I have observed.

1^st date: Cocktails (or coffee)

2^nd date: Bowling (I now own my own bowling ball)

3^rd date: Brunch

4^th date: Fancier dinner, usually out, it can also be prepared at home

5^th date:  "Watch a movie" at either of your houses

After that I would say that you have yourself a boyfriend and free rein to wear nothing but yoga clothes and eat takeout while watching Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo together. 

Does anyone have any additions to the formula? 

Does anyone need a non-formulaic suggestion?