Interview with a Lady

 

I am introducing a new feature called “Interview with a Lady”

The theme is meant to give guys insights into what a girl really wants, and to let other girls out there know… it’s not just you.

So here we go. 

 What is your number one pet peeve in bed?

 Let me make a list. 1) Pounding -- what the fuck is that? Women are not a pile of meat. 2) Not pre-heating the oven. NOW you can think of us as a pile of meat. You don’t throw a steak in a cold pan, right? 3) Head-pushing. Just in general, I’m not a porn star, and if I’m acting like a porn star, it’s just to make you happy. 4) Expectations. If I’m ready to go, I’m going to be more than excited. If I feel pressured, I’m going to be resentful.

 

What position is overrated?

 Doggy – ow.

 Reverse Cowgirl – too much work.

69 – how many things do I need to concentrate on at one time?

 

Any tips for guys initiating sex? 

Do it coyly. Do it sexily. Make us feel impassioned. Here’s a tip: don’t text us saying that you want to “fuck us silly.” That is not sexy. That is not coy. That is … passion, maybe, but … just not the kind we want, OK? Don’t make us feel like prostitutes. Sometimes just make out with us just to make out with us. If it always must lead to sex, it takes away the surprise and makes us feel pressured. Notice the “pressured” theme? Yeah, there’s something to that.

 

Do you think your guy knows if you fake it?

No way. Girls are masters at creating super-convincing orgasms. And, by the way, the only reason we are is because men will ignore all the normal signs and keep trying to rip us apart until we climax. We’re trying to save our lady parts here.

What myths would you debunk for the average man?

Women do not want to have sex like porn stars. I know you think we do. Stop that. We do not need to scream to enjoy sex, nor do we need to scream to fake it. We have mastered silent orgasms. That’s how good we are. We don’t want to do seven different positions. If things are going, just stick with the program. If you fall out … just don’t do it. You deserve a smack if you’ve done that. Get some control, man.

 Have you tried any tips from Cosmo?

 No, but I did follow some advice someone gave me about something called a starfish.

 

What is your best piece of advice for men?

 Just take off the pressure and everything else will happen on its own.

 

Any phrase/action that is an instant mood-killer?

 “If you’re too sore, I can just put it in your butt.”

 “Girl, I’m gonna fuck you silly.”

 “Can I at least get some head?”

 “You’ll get used to it.”

 “Just suck through the pain.”

 

Paying for Dates

As I mention in many of my date posts, I pay for the first date.  Why is this?  Mainly it is because I am quick with my credit card and none of my dates has protested overmuch. 

When I got ready to pay on my last date, he asked me if paying made me more comfortable.  I admitted it did, but what I left out is that paying allows me to feel more comfortable with never contacting the man again.  Paying for a date is a power play.  It also signifies that I can actually pay for my own dinner/drinks/movie/bowling/brunch/triptothezoo.  That way it is clear that if he has his ish together I am not in it for the money, and if he does not have his ish together and has saved up for our date all week, he can blow the money at the bar on Friday and drown his sorrows when I do not call him back. 

Whoever pays for the first date has the control.  The other person is immediately in a bit of a debt to the pay-er 

So.  Gentlemen.  Pay for the date. Do not protest, just get the server’s attention and make sure the tab goes on your credit card.  If you get there first, give your card to the server so the bill comes right to you and there is no question that you are taking care of it.

I have gone out on second dates when the man paid for the first.  I have not gone out on second dates when I paid for the first. 

McJudgerson

I got a text message today from an unknown number.  This is what it said:  J 

Apparently, I received this same text from the same person on January 28^th. 
I am avoiding asking “who is this” because I really do not care. 

An emoticon does not start a conversation.  If you are texting a relative stranger, say who you are and try a traditional conversation starter with a direct call to action. 

Hi, its Ben from the bar last weekend.  How is your week going?  Do you want to grab a drink this weekend?

I am glad a stranger is having the kind of day that inspires sending J to strangers at 11:30 on a Wednesday. But… I am going to go ahead and ignore it. 

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Kissing style is a personal preference, but I think it is most heavily influenced by your first few kissing partners. 

My first kiss was with a red-head named Kyle.  We were playing basketball and he was helping me with my form and then….

There have been a few bad kissers since Kyle.  I think everyone has at least one horror story.  There was one guy who “kissed” by brushing his mouth against mine, but there was no fine movement, he moved his entire head.  From an outside view, I think it loosely resembled a passionate Hollywood-style kiss, but from my point of view it was just confusing.  He is married now and I wonder if his style ever changed.   

I saw an article on MSN yesterday.  Guys, Are you a Bad Kisser?

The tip that I linked too is the most common one that I hear from lady friends.  Just remember, as with most intimate activities: it is all about the hands. 

The other most popular preference I hear from ladies is this one.  Don't be delicate.

You should be 100% sure that a kiss is desired before pulling this move, or else it becomes a horror story for the other party. 

If you ever hear your kissing partner say “let’s try it like this” you are in trouble.  Pay attention or else you risk being talked about and imitated at the next happy hour. 

Valentine's Day Rules

So I wrote a meandering post about Valentine’s Day, but I did not give you the rules.

Here you go.

1.       Never refer to today as “Singles Awareness Day”

2.       Women can buy flowers for men

3.       Jewelry is never a bad idea

4.       Cooking at home is better than going out

5.       Chocolate in bed should be of the candy variety, not syrup

6.       You must recognize the holiday on the 14^th even if the celebration is happening later

7.       Do not fake it

8.       Partners should be equal participants in the celebration

9.       There is no “Happy Belated Valentine’s Day” card.  Plan ahead.

10.   Do not get engaged

 

If I have left anything out, let me know below.

The Talk

When to have “The TALK” is always a tricky decision.  It is usually driven by the girl in the situation.  It usually comes from insecurity.  After you have been dating with coupons and “watching movies” with someone for awhile, it is natural to want to know where you stand and if you can put a title on it to start the next steps of creating a relationship.

I have a new opinion on “The TALK.”  Do not have it.  You cannot make someone be your boyfriend.  I tried that one time and it was a disaster for the entire year it lasted. 

Be yourself and treat the relationship however you want to.  Create what you want to have by what you do.  I think that if you want to be exclusive, be exclusive yourself.  If you want to develop emotional intimacy, open yourself up to it. Tell your own story and listen for theirs.    

It goes back to the idea of not chasing someone.  If expectations come up, be honest about what you feel and what you want and expect that the other person can do the same. 

Interview with a Gentleman

It is time for another look into a man’s point of view.  I went back to my friend from Denver to get his perspective on some common dating questions. 

1.What are your rules for a first date?

RULES: Go somewhere unique and fun where you can talk (not dinner and a movie). Usually something casual, even a walk around the park or the zoo (my favorite first date, plus I love the zoo). If it's something small, I will always pay...even if it's something bigger I guess. However, times are modern, and if a girl offers to split it with me, I will allow that, and I take it as a very positive sign. If she offers to pay or to participate (splitting, paying for ice cream, etc) it means that she was raised well and won't be sucking you dry the whole "relationship". I always dress nice, but I don't go outside of my comfort zone. For the most part, what you see right away is what you're going to get. On that note, I'll throw out a test dirty joke or off colored comment to see how she reacts. My girl will be appalled but tolerant of my dirty mind.

 

2. How soon do you know you want to kiss a girl on a date?

How soon do I KNOW?? Immediately. First things first is a physical connection. I like a kiss at the end of the night, half mouth, half cheek. Let's you feel if it is smooth and easy, or awkward (you can't tell a whole lot from a half kiss), tells her that you want to be phyiscal, but that you don't need it and aren't looking for it tonight (see my research in the post "girls want what they can't have" Also, half kisses is the easiest segway to a full kiss. Then you're naked.

3. Who does the follow up after the first date?

I think it's really nice, if you had a good time, to call the next day to say you had a fun time. Whether or not you intend to ask for another date at that time, it's nice to at least say you had fun, the next day. The girl can do it too, and the girl can also ask for the date. Again, times are modern. I love it when a girl takes my hand on a date or calls me up with a fun plan. Two way street, bitches.

4. Why do you go out on a second date?

1. There was a spark; 2. You almost sealed the deal, and you need one more try; 3. It seems like you two should be clicking, but you're still not sure; 4. You need a date for an event or something that you need to keep her on the line for.

5.Have you ever tried to pick up a woman at the grocery store?

No :-). Flirted plenty. I was talking to this hot chick once, and her nerd boyfriend didn't notice until her turned to her and asked (in the nerdiest voice) "should we try a different brand today?" I laughed and left.

 

Friends with Benefits

Friends with Bennefits.  Friends with Bennies.  FWB. 

A good friend is hard to find.  A good friend with benefits is even harder to find. 

This is a grey area for a lot of people.  Sex without dating is pretty great, but it is not the greatest thing ever.  Real dating gets you a plus one invitation and a built in companion to the opera and Sunday family dinners.  A FWB gets you laid on the weekend and the occasional weeknight. 

It is easier to transition a friend to a FWB than it is to transition someone who you have gone on a few dates with.  When dating comes first, the expectations will always be different for at least one of you.  Someone who has a crush on you does not make a beneficial friend. 

I think that access to this friend can keep you from making dumb decisions with other men or women.  The FWB is a placeholder, but they are taking one of the more pleasant spot available in your life. 

If the friend makes you sleep in the unheated attic playroom because there is a king sized bed there, but refuses to share body heat during the night, keep looking. 

You + Me = We

When things are new with a relationship, you can look for signs that this is going to last.  Any phrase with a “we” in it puts rainbows in your eyes. 

“We can have a Channing Tatum movie marathon next time. Tonight let’s watch The Campaign.” 

“I heard about a new restaurant, we should check it out sometime.

“I told my mom I was busy tonight because we had plans already to hang out.”

When there are a lot of rainbows floating around it can be hard to see anything else.  Do you know what you should be looking for?  The actual activities/events/things that have been referenced in the rainbow phrases.  Do you have a Channing Tatum movie night?  Do you check out that new restaurant?  Or do you continue to see each other after 8pm with no real agenda besides “watching a movie.”   

Anyone can make a promise or pretend to plan ahead.  They may even mean it at the time.  A person with real interest will follow through.

If you hear a “we” phrase and it makes you puke a little in your mouth you should start practicing your breakup speech.   

Words to Live By

I saw this gem of a quote on a blog the other day:

Do not chase people.  Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Wu Tang

Let’s break it down.

1.       Do not chase people.  In other words, no means no.  Not calling you means no.  Saying they are not ready for a relationship right now means no.  Not meeting up with you at the bar until 1am means no.  Not ever meeting his friends means no.  Review the words and actions of the person you are interested in and react accordingly. 

2.       Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  Cliché time— be yourself!  You cannot make someone like you.  This is tricky because new people can introduce you to new things and you may like these new things.  That is ok.  What is not ok is foregoing the things that made you you in the first place.  Do not start bashing The Bachelor just because your new boyfriend thinks it and everyone who watches it is stupid.  If the other person does not get the tingles when they think about you, nothing you do, wear, or say will change that. 

 

3.       The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Think about your longtime friends.  They know you and still like you!  They have stayed in your life because there is genuine emotion and comfort in the relationship.  Think about your relationships that have failed.  Chances are high that the failure can be attributed to “growing apart” and not being able or comfortable to be yourself. 

Another Theory

This post is the only time you will see the words “shorter, smaller, quicker” on my blog in reference to being a good thing for men in bed. 

My girlfriends and I have a new theory.   You may remember the last theory I shared with you here.

Men who have been in long term relationships are better lovers. 

Women always start out a physical relationship by telling lies (ohhh,  that was amazing ) in bed.  When a man starts hearing phrases suggested by magazine headlines such as, “Let’s try it like this” you know the secrets to her universe are being revealed. 

The ladies I talked to have found that the training and learning curve is much shorter, smaller, and quicker for men who have had a long term, monogamous, relationship.  A serial dater likely will not know the difference between performance art and genuine success no matter how many “day dates” they have been on. 

You might still tell a few lies in the beginning, but at least you are farther along in the training process.

* A special ‘Thank You’ goes out to the ladies who tossed those well trained men back into the dating pool. 

Tick Tock

I saw this during my internet browsing today:

If You Don’t Want to Really Kiss Her Two Hours in…

…there’s probably no love connection. I know that it can take women two or three dates to feel chemistry. We [men] don’t work that way. You should really want to kiss her, and if you don’t, it’s not a crime. Just be nice and enjoy the conversation.

WHAT?!  

I do not think of kissing until the second date.  There are exceptions but those exceptions usually occur on a night when you knock boots all five dates off the list. 

So.  I guess the first impression really is everything on a first date.   

My takeaway?  Be sure that you impress in less.    

 

Interview with a Gentleman

I try to make this blog accessible to both men and women. Since I am on my soapbox sharing my opinions, I thought I would give the men in my life the opportunity to share their own viewpoints on the dating process and what their advice/rules are.

Each week we will go further and further into exploring a date from a man's point of view.

This week’s interview is with a dear friend whom I have known for about eight years. He is tall, has a fondness for berets, blond, does P90X, has a job, wonderful parents, and owns a home. He is a great catch and lives in the Denver area.

1. How do you ask a girl out? (in person, email, phone call, text <-- bad idea btw)

If it's a new girl that I just met, I will always call to set something up for 2-3 days ahead. If it's someone I know, I have no qualms about sending a text to see what's up. Get with the times, a text is no big deal. We can't get into a texting conversation, but "Drinks tonight?" is OK to open the lines of communication.

2. How do you prep for a date? (internet stalking, interview friends, launder your lucky shirt, make reservations etc)

Shower and put on some clothes with a purpose. I might call a seasoned friend for a quick bit of advice to have on the top of my mind (my friend usually tells me, "confidence" and "act like you've been here before"

3. What signals do you look for to see if she likes you? (do you really look for hair playing and arm touching?! What else has Men's Health told you?!)

Physical contact is a no brainer, touching the arm or even better a leg. Women touch close to what they want; a shoulder or arm touch means they want to get close to your heart, a leg touch means they want to get close to your penis. If the date is a dinner or something, anytime they want to continue ie grab a drink, go back to watch some tv, etc, means there is some spark. Laughing together is what it's all about. If you have that, she's probably willing to explore further into what could be.

4. How do you let a girl know you like her on a date? (open doors, compliments, whatever else that might be subtle)

Girls are insecure and they all want what they can't have. So, girls, like play dough, can be easily manipulated. I like to throw out a "negative compliment". For example, "I think it's cute how you're nose scrunches up when you laugh" or my favorite one (if you've seen her before) "Oh, I love that shirt, I think you were wearing it the last time I saw you" Get the point? Then, prolonged physical contact. If you can hold something, (leading her by the hand to the bar, or even playing a game or magic trick or something where you are touching. That prolonged touch lets her know that you're interested, and it lets you know that she's willing to touch you, at least a little bit, and sometimes all you really need is a little bit.

5. Why did you take her on a date and not just call her at bar close on a Friday? (difference between a girl that is date-able and not just f-able)

As I get older, I look for more meaning in a relationship. Sex is great, but sex with love is on a whole new level. It's very tough to find a real connection with someone, but I look to take out people that I feel there might be a connection with, or that I'm just really attracted to, but honestly with the hopes that deeper meaning might come of it. If I'm looking for someone to F after the bars on Friday, I'll text you around 2:00am.

If you have recently been on a date any great takeaways for other ladies to keep in mind on a date?

For both men and women, I encourage boldness. If you want to hold hands, then take my hand. If you want to kiss, then lean on in. Don't be lame and make it about a date; let's have some fun, be real, and hopefully we want to see more of eachother when it's over.

Any funny stories from it?

My last date was to a Vietnamese restaurant two weeks ago. There was a guy sitting alone at a table, by the cash register, wearing all black. He was looking at me from the time I walked in, so I asked him for a table for two. Turns out he didn't work there, he was just a normal Vietnamese dude who was wearing the same black as the waiters. SHE thought it was hilarious.

 

 

 

 

 

She likes me, she likes me not

How to tell if a girl likes you on a date.

In the follow up with my friend after the date with Coworker, I learned that he was unsure if I “liked” him because I did not give off the signs touted by Men’s Health or Cosmo ie playing with my hair while chatting or finding an excuse to touch his arm.  I thought I remembered a touch on his leg, which would be a little more aggressive than an arm touch, but maybe I am remembering a different date….

Regardless, here are some other signs you can look for to see if a girl is into you. 

1.       She lets you try her drink

2.       The date lasts for more than 90 minutes

3.       She is engaged in the conversation

4.       She throws out a casual innuendo. Or two.  Flirty ones, not trashy. 

5.       She uses your name in conversation
6.    She offers to pay for all or part of the date
 

Judging from a distance

There are men that are young at heart and then there are men that are old.

How old is too old?  I promise you can recognize “too old” from a distance.  Signs that a man is not of your generation are not always visible to the naked eye .  You will need to look deeper.

 Do not judge by hair color.  Along those same lines, do not judge by hair volume.  While there are pills and creams to reverse both of these markers of age, not all men participate in the reversal of aging on the same scale that women do.  Which is too bad, but that may be a topic for another post.

Not all old men like scotch.  They can still be seen ordering a captain and coke at a busy bar. 

The crowd in a bar at 2am has an equal chance of being made up of men over forty as it does of  men under twenty.  The men over forty are easier to entice out onto the dance floor.  They also usually have the cash on hand to get you a cab home.

The quickest way to determine age  is to engage the man in a conversation about sports.  If they reference favorite players/playoff/stadiums that played/happened/were torn down before you were born, they might be a generation or two older than you. 

If the conversation goes on long enough, you can wait for the man to reference a favorite tv show.  If that show happens to be anything that is viewable after 9pm on cable, he might be too old for you.  In today’s terms, that means if he watched Seinfeld (when it was new), Melrose Place, Dallas, Cheers, or has never heard of Gossip Girl, he may be old.  This does not mean that he falls in the “too old” category. 

If he is up past midnight and 6'1", I would give the thumbs up to at least grabbing brunch. 

The Theory

You know the joke about how men are like snowstorms?

My girlfriends and I developed this forecasting theory after years of field research.  We compiled all of our observations and notes and came up with this. 

If a man is between the height of 5’10” and 6’1” you will be guaranteed a satisfyingly sized male appendage.

 If a man is above or below these heights, it is a crapshoot.  Trends seem to dictate that there are more variations and small surprises on the taller side of the scale. 

Gentlemen.  Is there a similar theory out there for women?  I don’t envy you the surprise of finding out what is under a quality push up bra. 

FYI The research team is compiled of really nice young women.  Who talk a lot.    

Ask the Blogger

A reader emailed me this question:

Who picks place/date/time of the date?  If you live in different areas of town, do you have to meet in the middle? 

The logistics of dating is tough.  Obviously I have some opinions on the above questions. 

Here are the rules:

1.       A first date is not to be a hassle.

Parking, a spot to sit, and talking at a conversational volume should not be difficult at the chosen location. 

2.       The person who does the asking also needs to do the picking. Date, place, and time. 

It is allowable to put out 2-3 ideas for locations and leave the final decision up to the person who does the accepting.  When you put out the location ideas, it is polite to offer to go to the other person’s area of town.

     3.       The person accepting must not muddy the waters with even more location suggestions.  Date and time is negotiable.
 

4.       Do not double book yourself.  You will never make it to the second date or evening appointment that you scheduled.  I promise.

Personal Resume

The hardest thing about dating is that it requires you to update your resume.  You need to become interesting again.  You need hobbies and interests outside of work that you can reference for what is typically the first question on a first date:

What do you do in your spare time?

Snuggling with your cat and watching every program on ABC Family is not an acceptable answer. 

I think that each time you start over in your relationship life, it gives you an opportunity to get to know yourself better.  Since you are in total control of how you spend your time, you can actually start the hobbies you have always dreamed of! 

Last time I was single I took up ballroom dancing.  This time I am taking jewelry making classes (metal jewelry, not beading).  Another time I took up yoga (I’ve kept that one through the years).  The list goes on. 

If your boyfriend/girlfriend was your last hobby, please please please do not let that happen again

To be interesting, you need to do things that are interesting to you. 

One good resource is the community education programs that most cities offer.  You can take classes in the Mandarin language, step aerobics, belly dancing, yoga, Spanish, cooking, etc.  In my area, I am almost always the youngest class participant.  That makes me feel good about myself.   High self-esteem is important in dating.  There is nothing wrong in finding that self esteem in a belly dancing class filled with women who are north of the age of 55. 

Another resource is your friends that you do not date and it is also a good idea if they are friends who you have never watched a movie with either.  I may put together another post about dating your movie buddy, but there is an episode of SATC that covers the issues pretty thoroughly.  My point is, your friends are fun and interesting.  Start something up with them!

The most common and easiest club to start is a book club.  A book club covers a few social bases.  It gets you out of the house, it may help you meet new people, it gives you something to talk about not only on a date but other places as well!  You will be surprised how often you can mention your “current book club book”   And please, start one that actually reads the book.  They are a rare find and more respectable than the wine club version.   And the one thing you need when you are hitting the refresh button on life, is to be respectable.  And a hobby. 

What happens after you watch a movie

I was thinking of what happens after “the movie” is over and before you get your sweatpants out.  What should you have on hand to make your viewing partner comfortable? 

It depends on how you want to be perceived.  It is a fine line of being a bad host and being too prepared so you come across like you run a low budget hostel and the price of a nights stay is a 99 cent redbox movie. 

Here are some suggestions.

A frozen pizza. It’s nice to have a midnight snack. If your movie partner is someone who you would kick out of your bed for eating crackers (or pizza as the current cast may be), you might want to rethink the decision to watch a movie. 

Champagne.  Not only does it go well with frozen pizza, it might lead to a second viewing of the movie.  You know, now that you know when all of the good parts are coming. 

If you are a man, it is nice if you have a tshirt that you do not mind sharing.  A pair of basketball shorts may be nice. Both of these should come out of a drawer.  Because they are clean.

Contact solution and a case is never unwelcome.  Since I myself wear contacts, I would never put someone in the hostel owner category if they happened to keep some on hand.  Just tell me that you had laser eye surgery and never got rid of the other stuff. 

Mouthwash is welcome. Having a spare toothbrush on hand is borderline hostel owner.

Spare cash.  You just never know. 

Late. For a Very Important Date.

I was almost the star of a bad first date.  I say almost because it did end with him asking for a second date.

It all started when I agreed to go on a date that started at 5:30. I knew it was way too ambitious for me to make it to the bar by then.   Long story short, I made it there by 6:00.  In my defense I did send two text messages letting my date know about my situation. 

I got there and he waved me down.  I was a little surprised he recognized me because I was wearing glasses, which I am not wearing in any of my online photos.  Side note: he loved them.  He told me at least three times that he really, really liked my glasses.  A short while later, he covered his face with his hands, giggled, and then said “you are so pretty, I can’t believe it.”  I appreciated the sentiment, but really, what is a good response to that?  No really, I want to know what someone should say to that.  “Thank you” sounds like a bad humble brag and dismissive. 

We had quite a bit to talk about.  My date had an interesting backstory with how he grew up and was good at asking questions about my hobbies (I hate that question, it makes me feel like I am on a job interview.  I do however, have quite a few hobbies that I can talk about).  We covered the other typical first date conversation starters.  That part of the date was fine.  It was the delivery I had a problem with.   My date was a loud talker.  I have spent my adult life spying on first dates.  The last thing I want is to be spied on by the couple and their in-laws at the table next to us. I think that by the age of 34, you know if you are a loud talker.  If you are identified as one, please try to adjust your volume while on a date.  In his defense, he might have been a little lonely during those thirty minutes that he was waiting for me and found company at the bottom of his beer glass. 

The main point of me highlighting the fact that I was late for the date was to tell you the life lesson I learned because of my tardiness.  When you are late, you lose all control of the date.  There is nothing you can say when your date wants to order food or a third (fourth?) drink.  You cannot say that you have an eyebrow wax scheduled in ninety minutes.  Because you were late and you are only allowed one rude gesture per date.  That is a new rule I just made up.

My takeaway?  Do not be late.  Do not schedule a second activity on the evening of a date.  Do not let yourself think about all the other people who are listening to your conversations . 

My advice for him: lower the volume. 

It was not my last first date.  It was not the worst first date.  I do not think it will lead to bowling.  He did mention something about a comedy club though.