Friends Know Best

When I got dumped  my last relationship ended, none of my girlfriends were sad about it.  They were concerned with my own feelings on it, but unanimously they all said that they did not think I was happy enough in it.

Friends always know best.  If your friends do not like your boyfriend/girlfriend, you should not like your boyfriend/girlfriend.  They may kindly let you rationalize and watch the next six months with resignation, but there will be an “I told you so” coming.  Friends always know when a breakup is needed.

If you do not like your partner’s friends, you should not be dating your partner. 

When your parents said that your friends are a reflection of you, they were telling the truth.  

Friends tell all and you should always listen. 

Friends with Benefits

Friends with Bennefits.  Friends with Bennies.  FWB. 

A good friend is hard to find.  A good friend with benefits is even harder to find. 

This is a grey area for a lot of people.  Sex without dating is pretty great, but it is not the greatest thing ever.  Real dating gets you a plus one invitation and a built in companion to the opera and Sunday family dinners.  A FWB gets you laid on the weekend and the occasional weeknight. 

It is easier to transition a friend to a FWB than it is to transition someone who you have gone on a few dates with.  When dating comes first, the expectations will always be different for at least one of you.  Someone who has a crush on you does not make a beneficial friend. 

I think that access to this friend can keep you from making dumb decisions with other men or women.  The FWB is a placeholder, but they are taking one of the more pleasant spot available in your life. 

If the friend makes you sleep in the unheated attic playroom because there is a king sized bed there, but refuses to share body heat during the night, keep looking. 

Words to Live By

I saw this gem of a quote on a blog the other day:

Do not chase people.  Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Wu Tang

Let’s break it down.

1.       Do not chase people.  In other words, no means no.  Not calling you means no.  Saying they are not ready for a relationship right now means no.  Not meeting up with you at the bar until 1am means no.  Not ever meeting his friends means no.  Review the words and actions of the person you are interested in and react accordingly. 

2.       Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  Cliché time— be yourself!  You cannot make someone like you.  This is tricky because new people can introduce you to new things and you may like these new things.  That is ok.  What is not ok is foregoing the things that made you you in the first place.  Do not start bashing The Bachelor just because your new boyfriend thinks it and everyone who watches it is stupid.  If the other person does not get the tingles when they think about you, nothing you do, wear, or say will change that. 

 

3.       The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.  Think about your longtime friends.  They know you and still like you!  They have stayed in your life because there is genuine emotion and comfort in the relationship.  Think about your relationships that have failed.  Chances are high that the failure can be attributed to “growing apart” and not being able or comfortable to be yourself. 

The Importance of Courting

Courting is an old fashioned term for something that I fear is becoming old fashioned.  Courting is more than dating.  It is not about the romance quotient in a relationship. Courting is making everyday life something special with the person that you are in a relationship with. 

Making breakfast for your girl on a Sunday morning should not stop after you have seen each other naked seventeen times.  Even better, make breakfast on a Tuesday morning.   Leave a note in a bagged lunch, tell them you like them in that shirt, blow dry your hair in a room that will not wake him up in the morning, put their slippers on their feet when they have forgotten, kiss her cheek instead of her lips, redbox a movie he has been wanting to see, help before you are asked. 

It is important to have a balance in a relationship and in the courting process.  Courting is not a contest, it is not graded on a point system, and it is not to be used as a bargaining tool.  

Courting is having grand gestures, small gestures, words, and actions come together to communicate the state of your relationship. 

If you find yourself doing all of the courting, you are in trouble. 

Dating Dictionary

Day Dating.  Verb.

The practice of starting and ending a whole relationship in a single span of time not to exceed 24 hours. 

The majority of the time spent getting to know each other takes place at a bar and then moves into the back of a taxi cab, against the front door, and under the covers. 

Use it in a sentence: 

I was so good at day dating when I was 25. 

             I day dated this weekend, I think she had red hair, but I can’t remember! 

I day dated a ton after my last breakup, but now I am pretty tired of it.

Day dating is like living in the movie Groundhogs Day.  You will forget that it even happened and continue to repeat the same mistakes until you tire of the game and become the person who deserves the man/woman of your dreams.   

Judging from a distance

There are men that are young at heart and then there are men that are old.

How old is too old?  I promise you can recognize “too old” from a distance.  Signs that a man is not of your generation are not always visible to the naked eye .  You will need to look deeper.

 Do not judge by hair color.  Along those same lines, do not judge by hair volume.  While there are pills and creams to reverse both of these markers of age, not all men participate in the reversal of aging on the same scale that women do.  Which is too bad, but that may be a topic for another post.

Not all old men like scotch.  They can still be seen ordering a captain and coke at a busy bar. 

The crowd in a bar at 2am has an equal chance of being made up of men over forty as it does of  men under twenty.  The men over forty are easier to entice out onto the dance floor.  They also usually have the cash on hand to get you a cab home.

The quickest way to determine age  is to engage the man in a conversation about sports.  If they reference favorite players/playoff/stadiums that played/happened/were torn down before you were born, they might be a generation or two older than you. 

If the conversation goes on long enough, you can wait for the man to reference a favorite tv show.  If that show happens to be anything that is viewable after 9pm on cable, he might be too old for you.  In today’s terms, that means if he watched Seinfeld (when it was new), Melrose Place, Dallas, Cheers, or has never heard of Gossip Girl, he may be old.  This does not mean that he falls in the “too old” category. 

If he is up past midnight and 6'1", I would give the thumbs up to at least grabbing brunch. 

The Theory

You know the joke about how men are like snowstorms?

My girlfriends and I developed this forecasting theory after years of field research.  We compiled all of our observations and notes and came up with this. 

If a man is between the height of 5’10” and 6’1” you will be guaranteed a satisfyingly sized male appendage.

 If a man is above or below these heights, it is a crapshoot.  Trends seem to dictate that there are more variations and small surprises on the taller side of the scale. 

Gentlemen.  Is there a similar theory out there for women?  I don’t envy you the surprise of finding out what is under a quality push up bra. 

FYI The research team is compiled of really nice young women.  Who talk a lot.    

Boyfriend/Girlfriend Training

One of the hardest things about breaking up is seeing all of your preferential training walk away to eventually benefit someone else.  That is a sunk cost into a relationship that you will never get back and it’s the basis of the phrase “I wasted so much time on him (or her)!”

 The skill that I find myself teaching over and over again is that of apologizing.  

 Here is the structure of a good apology.

 1.       Actually say “I am sorry.”

2.       Followed by what you are sorry for “I am sorry for being late.”

3.       Do not follow up the “what” with a “but.” “I’m sorry for being late, but there was an accident.”  Putting the word “but” after anything negates any earlier statement.  

4.       Communicate your action plan!  “I am sorry for being late, I’ll call next time.”

5.       Kiss and make up. 

6.       Quickly change the subject.

7.       Do make sure to “call next time”

 

Next time we will work on gratitude statements.  As in, all you new girlfriends of my old boyfriends can learn how to give me a sincere thank-you for teaching that guy such a valuable skill.  If they come with any other valuable skills, you can thank me for that too. 

Good Things

There are a lot of good things about a first date.  Some people get anxious about that first date and think its awkward.  It can be, but I prefer to think of it an adventure.  That is what this blog is about.  There are no bad dates, only cool stories.  

I think the best thing about the first date is getting to say, “I have a date tonight.”  As in, “sorry I can’t work late on this project, I have a date tonight.”  Or, “Oh, your kid’s math homework sounds like a fun way to spend the night. I have a date tonight.” 

Because all of my dates lately are blind dates, it requires a little preparation.  I have to pick out an outfit that is both work appropriate and date worthy.  I hope my coworkers appreciate the extra effort I’ve put into styling myself lately.  That means no waking up late and putting wet hair in a messy bun (that’s not really a good idea right now anyway because winter is coming.  I don’t want to catch a cold).  

I also review all information I have on the person.  I do a quick review of their profile so I can remember who they are, I reread the emails we’ve exchanged, and try to think of some backup conversation starters.   You do not want to walk into a bar and call your date the wrong name.  Or even call them the wrong name in an email.  We all know there is a lot of action going on through the site, but it does not hurt to take a second and confirm that you really are emailing  Megan and not Sarah.  If I had paid attention to that the last time around, I could have avoided some trouble!  First impressions are lasting impressions. 

Another good thing about going on a first date is that it’s a fresh start.  If it goes well you can laugh about the weird things you were thinking or embarrassing things you did.  Show pictures of your cat on the first date? Check.  Only because she is really cute. 

 

 

 

But really, every date is scary until you know the person well enough to be seen without your makeup on.  Just know that both parties have to experience it and you will live through it.  Hopefully you will find yourself on your last first date.  You just won’t know it yet J