Friends with Benefits Part II

People have asked me to clarify what some rules are for a friendship with benefits. 

I cannot stress enough: This is not a stand-in boyfriend/girlfriend. 

You do not take them to weddings, office parties, or birthday parties. 

The only time they may meet your friends is if they are picking you up from the bar.  Even then, contact should be limited. 

Eat before you meet.  Dinner is rarely had together unless you have not eaten all day and need a cowboy burger to have the energy necessary for later.

There is no breakfast in the morning.  You can pick up coffee on your way home.  However a bottle of Gatorade is acceptable to swipe from the fridge.

Weeknight rendez-vous are for desperate times and should not be a habit. 

No regular patterns for visits should be established.

Text with a purpose. Do not just text to say hello, be ready to get together once you start the conversation.

The gag order that comes with marriage or a LTR does not apply.

You guys are friends.  Treat each other as such.  Do not be an asshole.  Do not be a bitch.  

Follow these rules and things should be fine.  If you have other rules to add to the list, put them below in the comments. 

Dating on a Budget

It is acceptable to choose a place based on their $5 appetizers or two for one drinks. These are not coupons, these are "specials."

What about Groupon on a date.  Are they a Yea or Nay?  With careful set-up, I am voting Yea.  Coupons on a first date are a no.  Coupons on a second date are a no.  Coupons on the third date are a maybe. 

My opinion is that a coupon can be a good excuse for a date.  “Hey, I have a Groupon for a sushi place I’ve been interested in checking out. Do you want to go this week?”  

If you have not told your date you have a coupon, you are not allowed to pull it out when the check comes.

If it is a Groupon for a couples portrait session, you better just borrow my cat for it. 

Interview with a Gentleman

I try to make this blog accessible to both men and women. Since I am on my soapbox sharing my opinions, I thought I would give the men in my life the opportunity to share their own viewpoints on the dating process and what their advice/rules are.

Each week we will go further and further into exploring a date from a man's point of view.

This week’s interview is with a dear friend whom I have known for about eight years. He is tall, has a fondness for berets, blond, does P90X, has a job, wonderful parents, and owns a home. He is a great catch and lives in the Denver area.

1. How do you ask a girl out? (in person, email, phone call, text <-- bad idea btw)

If it's a new girl that I just met, I will always call to set something up for 2-3 days ahead. If it's someone I know, I have no qualms about sending a text to see what's up. Get with the times, a text is no big deal. We can't get into a texting conversation, but "Drinks tonight?" is OK to open the lines of communication.

2. How do you prep for a date? (internet stalking, interview friends, launder your lucky shirt, make reservations etc)

Shower and put on some clothes with a purpose. I might call a seasoned friend for a quick bit of advice to have on the top of my mind (my friend usually tells me, "confidence" and "act like you've been here before"

3. What signals do you look for to see if she likes you? (do you really look for hair playing and arm touching?! What else has Men's Health told you?!)

Physical contact is a no brainer, touching the arm or even better a leg. Women touch close to what they want; a shoulder or arm touch means they want to get close to your heart, a leg touch means they want to get close to your penis. If the date is a dinner or something, anytime they want to continue ie grab a drink, go back to watch some tv, etc, means there is some spark. Laughing together is what it's all about. If you have that, she's probably willing to explore further into what could be.

4. How do you let a girl know you like her on a date? (open doors, compliments, whatever else that might be subtle)

Girls are insecure and they all want what they can't have. So, girls, like play dough, can be easily manipulated. I like to throw out a "negative compliment". For example, "I think it's cute how you're nose scrunches up when you laugh" or my favorite one (if you've seen her before) "Oh, I love that shirt, I think you were wearing it the last time I saw you" Get the point? Then, prolonged physical contact. If you can hold something, (leading her by the hand to the bar, or even playing a game or magic trick or something where you are touching. That prolonged touch lets her know that you're interested, and it lets you know that she's willing to touch you, at least a little bit, and sometimes all you really need is a little bit.

5. Why did you take her on a date and not just call her at bar close on a Friday? (difference between a girl that is date-able and not just f-able)

As I get older, I look for more meaning in a relationship. Sex is great, but sex with love is on a whole new level. It's very tough to find a real connection with someone, but I look to take out people that I feel there might be a connection with, or that I'm just really attracted to, but honestly with the hopes that deeper meaning might come of it. If I'm looking for someone to F after the bars on Friday, I'll text you around 2:00am.

If you have recently been on a date any great takeaways for other ladies to keep in mind on a date?

For both men and women, I encourage boldness. If you want to hold hands, then take my hand. If you want to kiss, then lean on in. Don't be lame and make it about a date; let's have some fun, be real, and hopefully we want to see more of eachother when it's over.

Any funny stories from it?

My last date was to a Vietnamese restaurant two weeks ago. There was a guy sitting alone at a table, by the cash register, wearing all black. He was looking at me from the time I walked in, so I asked him for a table for two. Turns out he didn't work there, he was just a normal Vietnamese dude who was wearing the same black as the waiters. SHE thought it was hilarious.

 

 

 

 

 

Reader Question

I got a question from a reader the other day:

I went on a date where I have no desire to see him again. He text me later that night and said he wanted to get to know me better and I text back that I honestly didn't feel a spark, and he replied "thanks for your honesty but I usually like to give it 2 dates because people are nervous on the first date". How do you let people down gently but honestly?

 

The guy in this situation has a point, people are usually nervous on the first date.  If you cannot get over your nerves in the first twenty minutes, it is likely that you are shooting way out of your league.  You have to earn the follow up, just as you would in an audition, job interview, or sales pitch. 

 

I am just imagining the nerves the man would have on the second date, knowing that you did not feel the spark on the first date!  If you have another two hours to waste and you are feeling generous, go for it. 

 

If you do not have the time or the inclination, here is what I would suggest.  Text him back and say “Thanks for the suggestion.  I hope my honesty saves us both some time.  It was very nice to meet you and good luck on your future dates!” 

 

Please, always respond to people who follow up after a date.  Its good karma. 

Ask the Blogger

A reader emailed me this question:

Who picks place/date/time of the date?  If you live in different areas of town, do you have to meet in the middle? 

The logistics of dating is tough.  Obviously I have some opinions on the above questions. 

Here are the rules:

1.       A first date is not to be a hassle.

Parking, a spot to sit, and talking at a conversational volume should not be difficult at the chosen location. 

2.       The person who does the asking also needs to do the picking. Date, place, and time. 

It is allowable to put out 2-3 ideas for locations and leave the final decision up to the person who does the accepting.  When you put out the location ideas, it is polite to offer to go to the other person’s area of town.

     3.       The person accepting must not muddy the waters with even more location suggestions.  Date and time is negotiable.
 

4.       Do not double book yourself.  You will never make it to the second date or evening appointment that you scheduled.  I promise.