Pick Up Line

Something must be in the air here in Minnesota.  I met a nice man outside a restaurant last night.  Here is our conversation.

“Hey girl, you look nice.  Good thing you are wearing those nice boots, it is cold out!”

::Follows me into the breezeway, still smoking his cigarette::

“Girl, what’s your name, my name is Dion.”

“Hi, I’m Megan.”

“Well Megan, what size feet you got in them boots?”

“Nine’s.”

“Are they a wide nine, or really narrow?”

“Regular, I guess.”

“I bet you have those nice toes that are all the same length too.”

“Um, I think one is actually longer than the others.”

“mmmhmmm. I bet they are painted a really pretty pink too.”

“Actually, they are.”

“Well Megan, you enjoy your night and thank you for wearing those boots.”

Do you think he has a foot fetish?

Pick-Up Lines

Pick up stories.  Every girl has a few that are share worthy.  Here is a new one from my library.

I was at a concert on Friday night with a group of friends.   I was chatting with some people who were part of our group.  In the middle of the chatting, one man interrupted and said: “You are fing gorgeous.  Who are you?  Are your panties dirty, because you can wash them on these...” and then lifted up his shirt to show me his 54 year old hairy beer belly and rubbed it.

My friend happened to tune into the exchange and catalogued it as (one of) The Most Amazing Moments of His Entire Life.

It does not make my list.

The bold approach is a risky one.  Keep it classy and you might have more success.   

Eight Years Later

On New Years Eve I was out with a few girlfriends wooping it up at a local bar.  The drinks were delicious.  The music was danceable.  The crowd was tolerable, which is saying a lot since it was NYE. 

I was the only single one in the group, which is not unusual at my age.  One man at the end of the bar caught the eye of a lady in my party.  He was tall, dark haired, dressed in three piece suit, and had a fabulous mustache.   My friend insisted that I go dance with him in her proxy.

I was eyeing him up and he winked at me.  That’s an invitation to approach, so I walked over. 

“Megan!  Holy shit! I can’t believe this,  I haven’t seen you in, what, like eight years?”

Oh My God.  How awkward.  I thought this man was a stranger.  And he was to me because I had no idea who he was. 

And then I remembered.  I had slept with him. A few times.  Eight years ago. 

I remembered him as a tall, skinny, emo/punk who wore black skinny jeans and studded belts and had a faux hawk before they were called such.  Lucky for me, I also then remembered his name.

While dancing and reminiscing, he told me I looked the exact same.  I decided to let it be a compliment. 

Then he asked me, “Are you breasts as perfect as I remember?”

I was drunk enough to laugh it off and assure him that they were likely even better, but even in that state I knew that that stupid question was going to prevent him from seeing for himself. 

Blah blah blah, the night went on, there was more dancing with my friends and other (true) strangers. I got back to the hotel with my friends  and got these text messages: 

Him: That shit crazy!

Me: No kidding

Him: Send nudez

Him: I forgot what they look like.

Me: Sounds like it will stay that way.  Happy New Year. 

Regrets are useless.  However, you can make sure not to make the same mistakes twice. 

 

The Tingles

This is a follow up post to my Quick Like a Band-Aid post.   I should clarify that I was on the receiving end of the rejection in that story.  Apparently being with me did not give the guy a warm tingly feeling in his stomach, and that absence means that we will never get married and should not be dating.  Shoot. 

I was super shocked to get a phone call from him the night after he said he would not be calling me again.  I was imagining him realizing that he acted rudely the night before and was feeling badly and wanted to do something to make it right. I was unable to pick up at the time and a few minutes later I got a text from him. 

“I was just seeing if you wanted to come over…Make out for awhile or something”

Really?! 

I guess I inspire tingles elsewhere. 

Quick Like Band-Aid

Here is a helpful post about how to end things with someone.  This is for those situations where it is not a break-up but you can no longer comfortably disappear off the face of the earth. Start with these nine  words: “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” Say this immediately after saying hello so there is no confusion that you may be calling to plan a date. 

Then throw her/him a bone.  Say something like, “I really do like you.” Follow this with a “But Statement.”  The but statement gives everyone something to feel good about (the phrase that precedes the But) and still allows you tell the harsh truth;  “but I’m just not feeling it.” My rule on those “But Statements” is that it will  negate everything that immediately preceded it.    As my girlfriend says: Damn the but.

After you clarify that casual movie watching (my blog metaphor for sex)  is for sure not on the table, and in the middle of the other person jabbering about their own feelings on the situation, get yourself off the phone as quickly as possible.  Ending the conversation with 100% honesty is really important and the other person should thank you for managing their expectations so clearly, yet gently.  Something like, “I’ve got to run, I’ll call you later.  Actually, no, I probably won’t.”

Six minutes and six seconds later, you will be back in the game.  Without the recipe for delicious cookies that were delivered warm to  your house last week. 

Good luck with your calls! 

First Date Story

I had a coffee date tonight with “the propositioner.”  I was jazzed about this date.  I never would have gone on it until I caught the adventure bug.  There is a story behind every person and I needed to know his story.  Who is that person who innocently, if abruptly, asks you out for coffee.  And then the next day send you this: 

 If you're not interested in getting to know me, would you be interested in hooking up?

Normally I would have just told all my friends about the emails and not dignified him with a response.  This time I went on the date and now I am telling all of you about it. 

I expect that the people nearby have a good story to tell their friends tonight too.  My table selection was poorly done.  We were surrounded by individuals on their laptops.  I can just picture their IM conversations.  I can only hope they were kinder than I would have been in their position. 

The plan was to be bold with my questions, what were you thinking to proposition me, a total stranger?! Have you done this before?!  Does it actually work?!  Does your mother know you do this?!  I could just picture him throwing his coffee in my lap and storming out, so this date started off pretty typical.  If what followed is a classic date, I’d rather stick a teacup in my eye. 

He was good at asking me questions, so I told him a little about my job and asked what he did.  “Well, I’m an operations manager for a small company.  It’s called xxx.  Basically I pick up dog poop.  It’s weird to say that that is my job, but I really like it.  I get to drive around all day and play with dogs and shit.”  I waited to see if he would catch the irony in that statement.  Don’t think he did. 

We chatted about his sleeve of tattoos, the importance of family, his dog, my cat, a traumatic experience he went through a few years ago and how that changed him, local theatre, best horror movies (sorry I cannot remember what he recommended as the best one), and then we stumbled on THE TOPIC. 

He started it by asking, mid-date, if I would be interested in hanging out again.  Side note: Do not do that.  It just makes it weird when the date continues for another thirty minutes and both of us know (or hope) we will never see each other again.  Unless I get a dog and need some help with the doggie clean-up.  I digress.  I admitted that the only reason I was there was because of the  very forward email.  I said that I was so surprised at it and wanted to see who would send something like that. The guys face started turning pink and his eyes went blank like he was trying to remember or forget that he had sent that message.  “um, yeah.  I’m not very good at meeting people out, sooo….”   And then I caved.  I started to understand the appeal of cyber bullying.  I should have sent him a strongly worded email. Calling someone out face to face is hard and I could not do it.  I gave him an out with “does it go both ways, have you gotten this aggressive emails too?” he dodged the question a little bit and we moved on to talking about how messy his roommate is. 

I did leave feeling like maybe he had been shamed into realizing that there is a real person behind the profile and it is not nice, nor an effective pick up tool, to so boldly proposition someone.

An hour later I checked my email.  This is what I got:

 I was in the middle of vacuuming and mopping my apartment, and I had a thought. I did have a good time with you, but I think we both know that we didn't have any heavy sparks between us. But I am very attracted to you. If you feel the same way, would you be interested in trying a physical relationship. May be thought of as a friends with benefits. Help each other out. This may be a bit out of line. If not, that is perfectly fine. I just thought I'd be honest.

 

I’ve created and fed the monster.  I am so sorry to the other ladies out there on the internet.

So now I need to know, do I sent him the strongly worded email?  Or just this blog post. 

Final Summary:  Never again.

Tips for him:  Dude.  I cannot help you.

First Contact

I alluded to the delicacies of the first contact in my last post.  i.e. don’t ask someone out in your first message. 

Here are some other things not to do.  Featuring fun, real life examples.

Do not send before proofreading.

Hi. How's I new here and I liked your profile.

Example 2
I work in corporate IT as a (fancy job title) and ibhave had people that work for me on this site and so a little discretion abt my fitness life... nothing wrong with them seeing but puts an awkward twist.. iam (namewitheld).

Do not proposition someone in the first message:

I've been looking at your profile and I was wondering if you might like to get to know each other and see where that will take us? I'm ready and ultimately looking for my best friend/partner/lover. I know that doesn't happen suddenly though, most of the time anyway but I'm hoping to find someone that wants to maybe see right away if something more serious will work and possibly maybe even spending a weekend together sometime whenever your schedule allows... If you'd like to be friends first though and just see where things go from there that's cool to. send me a message back.

*wants to maybe see right away if something more serious will work?!  Call it what it is buddy.  Not gonna happen. 

Do not proposition someone in the second message:

 First message:

Hi, my name is (name withheld). I'd like to get to know you. Would you be interested in joining me for coffee sometime?

 

No response from me.

Second  message:

If you're not interested in getting to know me, would you be interested in hooking up?
*its my personal quest to find out the thought process behiend these bold statements.  This guy and I have a coffee date next week.

 

Do not ask someone how long they have been on the site.  You will get a lie, or you will wonder what is wrong with them, in case that is not already clear from their profile.

Do not say, “Hey, I think you’re an attractive woman.   Want to chat sometime?”  I will have zero motivation for getting to know more about you.   

Do not tell secrets that you’ve left off of your profile.  Save that for the second date, not the second message. 

My opinion as to what makes a good first or second message? 

Make it about the other person. 

Respond to something specific they put in their profile so they know you read it and are interested in them specifically.  With so many generic messages coming in, chances are higher the person will respond if you give them something to respond to. 

What suggestions do you have?